2015

Oh, 2015...

You've been one crazy year.

Truly, the most difficult, trying, emotional, surprising, exhausting, draining, exciting. Did I mention exhausting?

As this year heads to a close, with our excitement for Pax's first Xmas and new family traditions, this year feels bittersweet.

It has been an emotional whirlwind of ups and downs. The exhaustion of being new parents. The diagnosis of needing a surgery (being delayed until after pregnancy). The emotional stress in our home from revisiting the past (you can read Brad's blog from earlier this year to get a better understanding). The financial burden of me being a stay-at-home mother. The constant tears that came with Adele's new album ;)

But then there were the surprises (hello, third pregnancy!) and blissful moments. Paxton's birth, Nori and Bristow becoming pals, watching Paxton grow and learn each day -- getting to hear his giggles and ba-ba-bas every morning, our fifth wedding anniversary, and planning so many 'firsts' and new traditions.

And like each year that has come before (and we've obviously had some doozies), it has served as a reminder that we can get through most anything -- as individuals, and as a family.

Undoubtedly, the holidays last year were rough. Nearly all I could think about was how the twins should be there. I won't miss them any less this time around. In fact, watching Paxton makes me think of them often. Would they have the same laugh, or the same nose? Would they smile the same way? So as we plan to always do, their ornaments will be displayed. Their candles will be lit. They will be honored and remembered.

This year, the holidays will be much more sweet though. The best gift under the tree this year will be a very special little boy that has brought an abundance of love into our home. To see him spend his first holiday season with our families is something I'm beyond grateful for. And I want everyone out there that helped us along the way -- from the initial fundraisers to the showers -- to know that we cannot thank you enough. Without you, we wouldn't be making these memories.

So, I end this year, more at home and more in love.

And now we look forward to 2016 -- fearful and excited. We'll have to see how Pax does as a big brother in just a couple of months :)

And Finally, the Fun Update

We're pregnant!

Glad that's out of the way ;)

The truth is, we found out I was pregnant when I was admitted to the hospital back in October (for OHSS). In fact, we had an idea even before that, from the blood test in the E.R. two days before. My hcg was a 7. (Anything over a 5 is considered a pregnancy.) But nobody could know 100% that it wasn't just leftover in my system from the trigger/Ovidrel shot.. since that's just an injection of hcg. Still, my fertility specialist told the E.R. doc over the phone, "I don't think it's the shot. I think she's a little bit pregnant."

That phrasing made me giggle, I'll admit.

But two days later, when things got really bad and I had to be admitted, they did another blood draw.. and my hcg had gone up. I was preggo. Doc kept joking, "I just don't know with how many."

But we wouldn't find that out for a few weeks. And it was hard to celebrate or be excited in the way one who is trying to conceive always envisions. I had all these ideas on how to announce to my husband when we finally found out. Instead, I had to mutter it from a hospital bed with an IV in my arm. And neither one of us wanted to get too attached to the idea, given everything that was going on at the time.

And a couple days into my hospital stay, I started spotting. I freaked out. Of course I acted like I wasn't too concerned with the nurses and doctors. No idea why. Guess I didn't want to be the emotional/irrational patient.. since I know that, logically, spotting can be completely normal. But I would start to cry whenever I was alone the room. And it wasn't so much that I was 'attached' to the pregnancy, but I didn't want to have to go through it all again, and I didn't want to tell my husband that something had gone wrong.

Luckily, it subsided after just a little more than a day, and my doctor had no concerns whatsoever. "If this wasn't a relatively strong pregnancy, you wouldn't be having this extreme hyperstimulation."

And that's the part I couldn't tell you in the previous chapters, since we hadn't announced yet. If a woman gets hyperstimulation, and she ends up being pregnant, the symptoms and degree of it become much worse. The hormones released during early pregnancy actually prolong the condition. (Yay me!)

So, it was definitely a strange place to be in. "Yes, you're pregnant. But because of that, you're going to feel TERRIBLE for a few weeks, and take a few months to completely recover."

Two weeks after being discharged from the hospital, we had our first ultrasound. And as Brad and I just tried to take it all in, having no idea what this part was going to be like, the doc immediately says, "Oh yeah, there's two."

My husband's face had no reaction. Shock, I'm guessing. I laughed, but inside I was scared shitless. No, really. I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I was terrified. I immediately knew my chances of a natural birth just went down greatly; a home birth was all but out of the question. Two things that I really, really wanted. Finances were going to be hit hard -- really hard. And I was completely overwhelmed with the idea of trying to feed, bathe, soothe, etc. two babies at once.

I'm not sure I'm any less panicked at this point, but I'm trying to just roll with it and accept it. I know that all new soon-to-be parents get a little anxious. I just feel like my anxiety is squared :P

But at the same time, I'm so excited. To see my husband as a father for the first time. To hear a giggle fit down the hallway. To hear someone call me "Mommy."

At this point, I want to send out a HUGE thanks to every person who donated, wished us well, prayed, or provided any level of support. It meant the world to us. And as it turned out, the first cycle of injections that we raised money for.. clearly worked ;)

So, fingers crossed and knock on wood... Our little wish has been answered. Twice. <3

And these are our video announcements:

Just Shut Up

No, not you.. but "Just shut up." was a mantra of mine a few days ago.

You see, my job involves seeing and/or drug testing many criminals that are on home detention. And often (and unfortunately for me and society as a whole), it often involves seeing them interact (usually horribly) with their children; as well as encountering many pregnant women.

As you might imagine, it really gets under my skin. Day in and day out, I watch these women; who typically are mothers several times over. Many no longer have custody of their children.. but just keep on getting pregnant. Some even actively use drugs while pregnant. And they ALL seem to ask me if I have children.

But the worst ones, are the ones that are so excited to be pregnant. They talk about it non-stop from the moment they walk in, til the moment they leave my office.

And that happened this week.

She walks in, filling out her paperwork.

"Well, I'm pregnant! Isn't that exciting? I tell you, God just knows when you're ready. I'm so excited. Such a blessing. God just knows."

The infertile atheist was already annoyed. But she keeps going, as I try to just smile and nod.

"After using meth for almost ten years, I didn't think I could get pregnant.. But God knew I was ready. God can do anything."

*sigh*

Yep, of course.. God wants the unwed meth head, on home detention, earning minimum wage.. to have a baby. But clearly thinks it's a bad idea for my husband and I; with no criminal record, gainful employment, and a viable plan for the future.

Now, I know not all my readers are atheist, so I'll refrain from posting the many vile things I was actually thinking about she could do with her kind and giving "God." Suffice it to say, I was annoyed.. pissed even. But this kind of thing makes my job nearly impossible for me to get through some days.

And it's precisely the reason that I get so annoyed when people say things like, "Everything happens for a reason."

Because it doesn't.

Some shitty people have kids. Some abusive people have kids. And some people that would be wonderful parents, don't get to. It's not a divine plan. It's a crap shoot.