When I booked my surgery, I broke down in front of your father and told him I needed to write a letter to you both.. just in case. In some way, this entire blog is a letter to you. Everything chronicled and each of your birth stories shared. But still, nothing directly to you.
In truth, I've been meaning to write this since the day each of you were born. In life, you can never count on tomorrow. I don't have a single memory of your grandfather because he passed when I was so young. That's why I've always been a "say it while you have the chance" kind of person.
And I mean always.
I will never have enough time or space to tell you my entire story. But that's okay. I want you to have your own story. So, I'll start by narrowing in on how I loved.
Oh, bless those poor boys I loved in high school. If you've read my blogs now, you can imagine what my notes of confessed love were like. Teenage love is a beast all its own, after all. Heart always on my sleeve. Songs that reminded me of them were constantly played on repeat. So.many.tears. I even wrote, and the school actually produced, a play about one such fella during a very dramatic point in time.
In other words, when I love somebody, they know it. In my words and in my actions. Not a hint of ambiguity.
And I have never regretted being that way a day in my life.
Because when I love, it's with every molecule in my body. Swift, powerful, and never-ending. You can't cage that kind of love -- and you should never want to.
Nothing was different when I fell for your father. I could fill books with the stories of us. Beautiful chaos.
You'll see movies and read novels about utter heartbreak followed by immeasurable love. Those stories don't even compare to what we had.
Ours was a love so strong it felt like gravity had changed. As if we got too close to the sun, the sun may not survive the encounter.
The kind of love that has you dancing in the rain, standing for hours on your beloved's doorstep, and a first kiss that elevates your soul.
If you can only learn one thing from me and my life, let it be this. That kind of love exists, and I lived it. If I never feel anything more, that was enough.
Love like that whenever you get the chance. Without fear. Unapologetic. With every part of you.
But if you want to go the extra mile (always go the extra mile) here are a few more words of wisdom --
As I'm attempting to do now, never leave things unsaid. Even if you're afraid. Even if your words could tear everything apart. Even if you must whisper -- say what needs to be said.
Don't let a person's single mistake make you forget everything they've done right.
Forgive as much as you can bear.
Choose your friends wisely. They should inspire and lead you towards positive growth. If they don't, find new friends.
Not every friend or lover will stay around. That doesn't make them a regret. Learn from them and your shared time. Thank them, even if silently, for the lesson.
Try. I don't care much if you "succeed," but give anything worth doing an honest try.
Most of life is trial and error. Don't fear the errors. That's when the most learning happens.
Be heard. Your opinions are valid.
Stand up for yourself, those you love, and especially those without a voice.
Listen. People often just want to be heard. Do them the favor.
Be kind. It's so easy to reciprocate. The challenge is, in the shadowy parts of life, amongst the bitter and angry -- to still be kind.
Catch snowflakes.. and fireflies.
Don't bully. Address your insecurities.
Be a hero, even your own when necessary.
Show up. Show up for others. Show up for yourself.
Keep real, printed pictures around. I should look young and cute in the ones of me.
Be funny. People always remember the person that could make them laugh.
Eat your vegetables.
Be smart. I don't mean calculus and biology (but your mama was a bit of a nerd, so that's okay too). I mean, keep your wits about you. Be aware. Make good decisions. And when you learn something was a bad decision, be wise enough not to do it again -- unless it was a lot of fun and totally worth it.
People will fail you. Remember that you've probably failed them too.
Know where your scars came from.
Wear sunscreen.
Love won't hurt you. But people that don't know how to love will.
Dance. Anywhere and everywhere. With abandon.
Act like a child sometimes. It's good for the soul.
Remember where you started, but know it has no bearing on where you may go.
Be you. Be proud of your uniqueness.
When presented with the option, always get extra guacamole.
Very few things in this life are black and white. Don't judge the grey areas until you've lived them.
Keep your promises.
Take risks. Jump from an airplane, at least once.
Make your own rules. But be prepared to throw them out.
Be happy. Everything you need for a happy life already resides inside you.
Finally, when you have/adopt/mentor a child, write them a letter like this. Tell them that you learned to do that from your mother.
Now, I know this letter can never make up for the moments and milestones I might miss. But the one thing I do know is that I loved you enough to last a lifetime -- yours.
You may not be able to recognize it every minute of every day.. but the moment you were born, a lifetime of love arrived with you.
Each of my babies brought an abundance of love from the depths of me. More far-reaching than I'd ever imagined.
I had dreamed of you. I begged the universe for you. I wept for you. I carried you. And I loved you. Every finger and toe, down to every eyelash.
Like the marrow in your bones, my love for you will live on wherever you go.
When the birds chirp outside the window. When the fields dance in the wind. When the sky burns red before nightfall. When snow collects on frozen branches. When the stars peak through the clouds. When waves crash against the shoreline. When seeds are sown. My love is there.
Whether my time comes today, or years from now, you can find me where the wild things are.
Now go be wild things.
Love, your Mama
