A Terrible Friend

Yes, I've been a terrible friend this year. The reasons for that might be obvious to some, but I still feel like I should apologize for it.

I haven't been able to set-up a dinner date with a girlfriend, or feel excited about bridesmaid duties. Hell, I haven't even been texting my friends to check in. I've also avoided nearly every family gathering. Mostly because I still feel too emotionally crippled to take on being social or helpful. And I do feel bad for it.

So, to every friend that has texting me and gotten no response, or a very short one, I appreciate the attempt. To friends that are relying on me to share events in your life, from weddings to pregnancies, I'm trying. Please be gentle, and know that I'm excited for you even if I can't seem to show it.

You see, within the next week or two, we were told to expect the twins' arrival. Their due date was June 21st, but twins usually come a few weeks early. In fact, I had befriended a woman who had the exact same due date as I did, and she was also pregnant with twins. Her two girls were born on May 13th, and are doing well. I can't even type that without feeling pangs of jealousy and sadness -- despite my happiness for her.

So, as you might imagine, this month will be especially hard. It's not uncommon for me to break down the instant I'm alone somewhere.. whether it's the shower, driving to work, or laying in bed the instant that my husband leaves for work. Knowing that they would have been home with me now is heart-crushing in a way I haven't felt for a few months.

And soon, we will be starting treatments, leaving more secluded.. due to nausea, fatigue, and general discomfort.

So, I'm asking you all to stick it out. Sooner or later, I'll return (at least mostly) to the friend you knew.

My Baby Birds - Mother's Day (and Tattoos)

To my children,

I knew this day would come, but I had no idea it would arrive without you. Tomorrow, mothers everywhere will be waking up to breakfast in bed, made with the helping hands of their children, even if that means burnt toast or misshapen pancakes. They'll be receiving handmade cards, written in crayon. Or they'll get calls from their grown children that now live hours away.

My day will be very different. I won't wake up to your faces. I won't ever see your names scribbled by your own hand. But I don't want this day to be about everything I don't have.

You know, when I was around four months pregnant with you, I started to picture my baby shower. I fell in love with the idea of having everything white and robin's egg blue. In fact, those were the colors I was going to paint your nursery. I had already picked out your bedding that was printed with little birds. And ever since then, I imagined myself as a mama bird.. First, building her nest. Then with two beautiful turquoise eggs just waiting to hatch.

But then you came along. Everything shattered wide open, and nothing went according to plan. But there you were, my two baby birds. So delicate. So powerfully fragile. And I held you that way -- so carefully that I could barely feel you in my arms.

And just like any bird, I knew I'd only have a few moments to watch you.. in all your beauty and grace. Soon, you would take flight, and all I would have was the feeling I had when I held you so gently. And oh, how I remember it. I still feel you there from time to time. So perfectly balanced in my arms.

The day after you left, your father suggested we get tattoos in your honor. He wanted something on himself that represented you. A reminder of holding you so briefly. I knew instantly what it would be. The only thing that felt right... Earlier today, we made that happen.

We got matching feather infinity symbols (my shoulder, his upper arm), and I got a small bird on each arm.. to remind me of when you resided there.. The only perch you would ever know.

 

 

And just so you know, I always see birds in pairs now. Waiting in the bushes when I leave in the morning. Or perched atop the fence at the new house, just outside the master bedroom window, when we first went to look at it (I instantly felt at home).

I see you in their flight, and I hear you in their song. And my heart sinks and soars at the same time. But either way, it sings out for you.

It always will.. because you taught it how.

If you'd like to commemorate Mother's Day with a kind gesture, please visit GoFundMe.com/ShilorFund.