I haven't been able to set-up a dinner date with a girlfriend, or feel excited about bridesmaid duties. Hell, I haven't even been texting my friends to check in. I've also avoided nearly every family gathering. Mostly because I still feel too emotionally crippled to take on being social or helpful. And I do feel bad for it.
So, to every friend that has texting me and gotten no response, or a very short one, I appreciate the attempt. To friends that are relying on me to share events in your life, from weddings to pregnancies, I'm trying. Please be gentle, and know that I'm excited for you even if I can't seem to show it.
You see, within the next week or two, we were told to expect the twins' arrival. Their due date was June 21st, but twins usually come a few weeks early. In fact, I had befriended a woman who had the exact same due date as I did, and she was also pregnant with twins. Her two girls were born on May 13th, and are doing well. I can't even type that without feeling pangs of jealousy and sadness -- despite my happiness for her.
So, as you might imagine, this month will be especially hard. It's not uncommon for me to break down the instant I'm alone somewhere.. whether it's the shower, driving to work, or laying in bed the instant that my husband leaves for work. Knowing that they would have been home with me now is heart-crushing in a way I haven't felt for a few months.
And soon, we will be starting treatments, leaving more secluded.. due to nausea, fatigue, and general discomfort.
So, I'm asking you all to stick it out. Sooner or later, I'll return (at least mostly) to the friend you knew.
Carol, I am so sorry for yours and your husbands losses. I honestly can't imagine what it's been like. I wish there was a way I could help make it better, if only for a few minutes. My husband and I tried for two years. We were told his count was critically low, and we didn't know if we could do it on our own. I saw friends having babies, even a friend of mine who she and her husband tried for 10 years before conceiving. I understand the happiness for others, but the extreme bitterness and sadness that it's not you. I do get that. I had friends who cheated on their wives and ended up conceiving with their wives. It made me angry bc I didn't feel they deserved it, even though the wife was a doll and she did. Another couple trying for nearly five years and conceived, and us still nothing. My husband is 38 and we felt our time was running out. It eventually happened, and that's how I met you.... Sort of. It was through a pregnancy support group on fb that it first learned your story. I cried the first time I read it, and cried again when I read it again. My heart breaks for you and I wouldn't wish the struggles you've experienced on anyone. I don't know you personally, but I genuinely look up to you. You are probably the strongest woman I know, and I pray for you and your family often. I hope that you know that you have support through all of this, even though some of that support is inexperienced in your struggles. I pray for closure in your life, and for the void to be filled in your hearts. Next month will be a struggle, but you don't have to struggle alone. The pain will never go away completely, but it will get better with time. Whatever happens though, please stop thinking of yourself as a terrible friend.
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