Wednesday, January 29, 2014

And Then The Hardest Part...

On Sunday, January 26th, in the late afternoon.. I began to feel some contractions. But being as this was my first time through pregnancy, it could have been anything from gas pains to Braxton Hicks for all I knew. By late evening, they were coming about four per hour, but still very randomly spaced and never appeared to get longer or stronger. I decided to call the on-call OB, who told me Braxton Hicks were common earlier in twin pregnancies. She added to drink a bunch of water and rest on my side, and see how it went through the night.

Not much changed, until morning, when a portion of my mucous plug, with blood, had come out. My heart sank immediately. I knew this was bad. I called Brad and told him we needed to go to the OB's office. As I got in the car with Brad, I took his hand, and said "Babe, you need to expect the worst."

First they checked for heartbeats, both there and strong, but any relief was short lived as the pelvic exam showed that I was dilated and one of the sacs was bulging out. I knew by the look on their faces that it was over. But they still decided to send me to Indianapolis, via ambulance, to be in the care of the high risk doctors there. As they wheeled me out of the office, I remember looking at my husband's face.. so shocked and nervous. I wanted so badly to wake up and realize none of this was happening.

About an hour later, I arrived in Indy, and was quickly taken to a labor and delivery room. As they were going over all the standard questions, the contractions were getting much more frequent (every 4-5 minutes). The nurse asked when my husband would likely arrive. I knew in my heart that was code for, "You'll be giving birth soon, and I hope he makes it."

So many doctors and nurses flooded in and out, but the consensus was that there was nothing they could do to stop labor. My babies were coming, and once they arrived, they could do nothing to save them. An impossible pill to swallow.. especially for a first time mother who tried so hard to conceive them. That was the moment that everything became surreal.

Brad arrived, and things progressed quickly. Very quickly. I was near fully dilated and they told us that delivery was imminent. Up until this point, I had been so 'pulled together' and telling the nurses I was okay, and that I knew I just had to go with it. But as each contraction came, and my babies were closer to arriving, I began to fall apart.

I remember, at one point, asking the nurse if there was any way to make sure the babies weren't born alive.. because I didn't want them to suffer. I knew it could sound cold before I even said it. Luckily the nurse knew exactly what I meant and assured me that most babies at 19 weeks don't survive the process of labor and would likely be stillborn. So from that point on, I was expecting to give birth to my deceased children. The emotions that came with that realization are impossible to describe.

Labor was quickly in full swing. I struggled to catch my breath.. as I sobbed my way through each contraction. The nurse kept offering me pain meds, and each time, I declined.. struggling to explain to her that I wasn't crying at all because of the physical pain. It was my heart breaking that they couldn't do anything about..

And soon it was time to push. As I looked at my husband, all I could say was "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," over and over. He kept telling me "It's okay." But he had no way of knowing the depth of my apology. I was sorry that my body wasn't cooperating, yet again. I was sorry that our dream was slipping away from us. But mostly, I was sorry for something he couldn't grasp at that moment. Because I knew that me pushing, meant the death of our babies. Every fiber in my being wished I could will it to stop. To just refuse to push. And I was so sorry that I couldn't.

The first was born, with a gush of fluid (my water had not broken beforehand), and I wept in a way I had never before. My hands were over my eyes. I wasn't ready. I heard Brad ask, "Do you want to see the baby?" I couldn't even look. I just barely got out, "Not yet," as tears streamed down my face.

But within seconds, a nurse came to my other ear and said, "He has a heartbeat." I uncovered my eyes and immediately asked for the baby. I knew the moments were few, and I didn't want to miss any second of their lives.

When the nurse cleaned the baby up a bit later, we found out that 'he' was actually a 'she.' Jasper Kaelyn was my first born. Our baby girl.


As soon as I held her, all my tears stopped.. though my heart was still breaking into a million pieces. Brad held it together until I asked him if he wanted to hold her. As he took her, tears started streaming down his face. He was a father, in perhaps the most unfair way possible, but undoubtedly a loving and protective father.

We passed her back and forth, making the most of the time we had. But every time she wiggled or moved her mouth, I couldn't tell if my heart was going to burst from so much love or such unbelievable heartache.

What only felt to me like 10 or 15 minutes, was actually an hour later.. when baby number two made his arrival. No doubting this was a boy. Bodhi Steven emerged, lanky with huge hands. Definitely his father's boy. And again, "This one has a heartbeat too."


I couldn't believe that both were strong enough to survive birth, and that Jasper had survived an hour, waiting patiently for her twin brother to arrive. I remember holding them both, peaceful tears falling down my face, as I took Brad's hand.. "They really wanted to meet us..."

The most bittersweet moment of our lives, breathing in our two babies.. who we had waited so long for.. but knowing it was also goodbye. There would be no baby showers. No pediatrician appointments. No first steps. No shopping for their first school dance. No teaching them how to drive.


This was it. We had to squeeze a lifetime of love and dreams into a few short minutes.

I tried to keep some positive perspective, even as my world felt like it was crumbling around me. Turning again to my husband, "These are our babies. And no matter what, they've made us better and closer. That's their gift to us."

And then they were gone.. within just moments of each other.

They offered to let us keep holding them, but we decided to not see them again. I just wanted my memories to be of those fleeting moments with them, and I was trying desperately to not cling to the idea of what was already gone. So we picked out their clothes, confirmed the spelling of their names, and it was over...

Not long after, I passed most of the placenta, but not all. So they informed me that I would need a procedure done to remove it. The first option for the procedure they gave me was to have an epidural done. I pleaded to not have it. My entire goal was to have a natural birth, and though it was far sooner than planned, I had succeeded in that. To get through the worst of it, only to be told I'd need an epidural anyway, was just not something I could accept after all I'd just gone through. Luckily, I had a nurse that turned into an advocate, and argued on my behalf. In the end, they were able to retrieve it manually (albeit, in an operating room) with me under partial sedation.

I remember as I was laying there, waiting for the sedation to kick in, staring at the lights above me.. tears rolling down my cheeks.. that this all couldn't be real. This couldn't have all just happened within a few hours time. But when I woke up, it was just as cold and lonely as when I went under. And that's when the emotional toll really started to break me apart.

They brought me back to the room, where Brad had been waiting for me. We were both thoroughly exhausted at this point, so we decided to just go to bed. But as I was washing my face, I fell apart. It was the sudden realization that I was no longer pregnant. That I just gave birth to our two babies, but we wouldn't be taking either of them with us when we left.

I made my way to the bed, trying to not wake up Brad, but I was quite unsuccessful. He made his way over in the darkness, and climbed into the hospital bed with me.. holding me as I sobbed uncontrollably. I did pause long enough to remark that he was probably breaking the rules. His reply? "They do it in the movies." But that split second of lightheartedness didn't last.

I remember then telling him that I felt like a failure as a wife and mother.. that I couldn't even protect my own children -- I could do nothing to save them. All I could do was apologize over and over for letting him, and them, down.

But he whispered all the right things, as he always does, and we had a good cry together. But he never left the bed. He slept next to me the entire night until a doctor came to check on me in the morning. She cracked a little smile. Even if he wasn't 'supposed' to be there, she certainly wasn't going to say anything.

By morning, we knew we were going home. That's when it set in for Brad.. He just looked at me and said, "It feels like we're leaving something behind."

And we were. I knew that he and I were the only ones who would ever understand what had just happened, and the emptiness of holding your newborns, but going home without them. My inner voice was screaming, "Where are my babies?! I want my babies!" I knew his was screaming the same thing.

As he went to warm up the car, I stood alone in the hospital room, trying to absorb every minute detail.. about the room, the bed, the equipment. My children spent their entire lives in this room... Every little thing mattered in that moment.


Brad came back in to find me standing in the middle of the room, at the end of the bed where I delivered Jasper and Bodhi, with tears rolling down my face. One half of me wanted to flee .. to just be at home with my husband -- to heal. But the other... oh, the other didn't want to leave without her children.

We both struggled as we left the parking garage, making our way out of Indianapolis, feeling like there should be two car seats in the back... but it was empty.

Coming home was hardly the end of it... The challenge was just beginning.

(Since writing this, so many contacted us asking how they could help. We decided to start a fundraiser in hopes of trying again. If you would like to help us get our second chance, please visit gofundme.com/shilorfund.)

25 comments:

  1. We've never met,but I found your beautiful blog on BWF. I sobbed harder than I have in a long time as I felt the pain in your words. I have 11 sweet babies in heaven and I know the pain you're experiencing. There isn't anything anyone can do or say to make the pain easier. I am praying for you and your husband.

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  2. Carol, thank you for sharing your story. I know you and know of the inner strength and light that is in you. I have prayed and continue to pray for all of you.

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  3. After reading this post I went back to read your older posts. And watched the videos. It's obvious that you have an amazing amount of support with your family, not just with Brad (who seems very like my Rob - silent and strong). Lean on them during this time.
    I'm sending you all the positive thoughts that I can.

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  4. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story. Your family is in our thoughts and prayers.

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  5. Lib and Ron ProhoskyJanuary 29, 2014 at 7:28 PM

    I'm sorry that I won't be able to attend the candlelight memorial on Sat. But my thoughts and prayers are with you both and the grandparents and family members! May God comfort you all! Our deepest sympathy

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  6. Steve & Carolyn WalterJanuary 29, 2014 at 7:56 PM

    Carol & Brad....it breaks my heart that you are having to go thrum this...you are in our prayers and know that how short or fleeting your time was with your children your love for them was and still is your strength....trust in that...God bless you all...

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  7. i am so very sorry. theres nothing better i can say. and i know it doesn't help. i wish it did. this broke my heart, carol. all i can do is pray for peace for you and your husband and for your children. its amazing that you wrote this. a friend once told me that when the hardest or best things happen, its smart to write them down in great detail right away. so we can remember it how it actually happened, how it was when it was fresh in our minds. she said you don't know when or if you will need to read it, but there may come a day when you will want to. she encouraged me to write about my father's death. and i have found that she was right…that i have needed to read it since his passing. i know to some people, this is a part of a blog. this is a post among many. but one day, this may be your best link to those beautiful babies of yours. <3
    -mary t (from TTC fb groups)

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  8. I have never sobbed so hard over a blog post in my life. So sorry for your loss.

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  9. Carol I am just so sad for you and Brad. As I sat here reading this I just wanted to reach out and give you a big hug of love. Im so sad for many reasons - all the things you wrote but also something you didn't write and that is this. Your babies will never get the experience of what a wonderful mother and father you and Brad are and the massive amout of love you had for them from day one and forever. I'm so thankful you got to spend the precious time you did with them, I'm not sure if it will help or not but you have to know that they wanted to meet you both. I think they were stronger than expected because they wanted to have you hold and show your love to them that you were waiting so long for. I'm glad this moment happen. I hope this helps you in your grief because your days ahead and for a long long time will be filled with tears, questions, wanting answers, etc. Just know that you are a wonderful mother and what has happen will only make you a stronger person and someday - a child or two or three will be very lucky to call you mommy! I love you Carol and I will keep you in my heart closer than ever during these trying days ahead. If you want to talk call me (513) 403-3555. I know you need space and you and Brad need to work through this together and time will heal your pain. I've lost parents and it's totally dfferent than this - but still hard. Please let me know if I can do anything - for now........ Prayers and hope for peace. Love you!

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  10. Michael and Tina GoadJanuary 29, 2014 at 10:11 PM

    Carol and Brad, I am not even going to say I know how you feel. There is nothing in this world that a parent fears more than to loose a child, let alone two. The only thing I can offer you is that Tina and I went through this before our twins were born. Tina had gotten to hear their heartbeats and then she lost them. I did not want to try again, because of what I saw her go through. Due to her strength, we now have the twins, and if we had to do it all over again, we would. We are both sorry for your loss, but we will always pray that God gives you what you want, "A Wonderul Child"

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  11. Remember: your babies are much bigger part of your future than they are of your past. Trust in Christ- He will hand them back to you one day.

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  12. Carol and Brad, I understand the pain and emptiness you feel. January 26, twenty years ago I went into premature labor and had a stillbirth. Four months later I had to have my uterus removed. Things seemed very bleak to me. There could still be children for you. I have a wonderful adopted son that will soon be 38 years old. He has been tbe light of my life. He game home with me wben he was 36 hours old. What a blessing had ffrom God. Never give hope.

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  13. Thank you so much for being brave enough to share your babies birth story. I know my twins are always a part of my heart. Be there for each other and always allow each other to be weak. Over time I promise the rawness of the pain will become less raw. Find a private way to honor their lives. Remember above all else your parents your just a mommy and a daddy to Angels. I hope any of this helps my twins would be 15 this year.

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  14. God bless you and your husband. Must be hard to even summon yourself to write this. I sobbed the whole time. I pray God to heal your broken hearts. You may not have brought home your babies but you now have earned 2 beautiful angels.

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  15. God Bless you both. I too went through the terrible pain and heart ache. You are not alone. My son was sent to Indianapolis to the St. V NICU and I was stuck in Danville hospital. I got to spend 1 hour with him before he took his last breath. My heart is heavy and hurts for you both. Stay strong.

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  16. I am so sorry for your loss. Based on your earlier blogs I know you don't believe in God so I won't push him on you. What I will say is I am sending thoughts of strength, healing and love. I am so sorry you are going through this and I hope you don't blame yourself, it was not your fault, you're not broken. This is the time you need to be kind, loving and forgiving of yourself even though it wasn't your fault.

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  17. thanks for sharing your story, greetings from Mexico and my best wishes of love, strength and peace for you and your husband.

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  18. I was so touched by your life experience of loss and love. My thoughts and prayers for you through this difficult time.

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  19. Praying for you and your family. Praying for your comfort and that the Lord will bring you peace.

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  20. This Is The Saddest Blog I Have Ever Read. Thank You For Sharing Your Heartfelt Story. Praying For You & Your Husband.

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  21. I'm so sorry for your loss!!!! Prayers for you!!!! My cousin went thru the same thing at 20 weeks nothing was stopping labor she had her daughter and within minutes she was gone... I don't remember what its called but her cervix opens and ready for delivery when baby and placenta gets to a certain weight... dotors told her that she would be able to have children again but when she finds out she needed a Stitch in her cervix to stop it from opening and towards the end of pregnancy they would remove it. She has 2 children as we speak and all worked out.. I'm not sure if this is what happened with you But wanted to tell you about it!!!! Prayers and hugs!!!!!

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    1. I actually address this in a future blog titled What Lies Ahead (http://ourlilwish.blogspot.com/2014/02/what-lies-ahead.html). Basically, the doctors disagree on the cause. The high risk doctor where I actually delivered thinks it was just 'one of those things' that happens more often with twins. Too much stretching, irritation, etc. of the uterus causes it to start contracting. My fertility specialist, on the other hand, thinks it sounds like classic incompetent cervix. The issue is that a true incompetent cervix doesn't have symptoms, as in some women literally have a baby/sac slide out without ever feeling a contraction. I, however, had contractions for over 24 hours.
      It's really a chicken or the egg. Either way, I'll likely end up with a cerclage (stitches in cervix) just as a preventative measure just in case that was the cause.

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  22. Please find a high risk doctor before you begin your endeavor again. I say this with tears in my eyes of remembrance. My spouse and I lost several babies, went through years of infertility after the last loss and got pregnant with twins. They were a hand full from the start too and came 3 months early. Then 4 years later, another set of twins came 2 months early after more infertility. You have strength and love to carry you through and your child to he already has guardian angels to guide their path! I truly wish you luck.....but please find the right doctors and don't settle for "it was probably this". So many things can be done to prevent you reliving this

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  24. This is a topic that's close to my heart... Cheers! Exactly where are your contact details though?

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