And in the most painful of coincidences, he landed a job at Payless (the grocery store), and was scheduled to start on February 2nd, 2014.
As it turned out, that was just 6 days after our babies passed away in our arms.
But he went on that first day anyway. He knew we'd have hospital bills. And we hadn't decided if we were going to do more treatments. So just days after losing his children, he took on two jobs..
I remember how lonely I felt those first few weeks. I was drowning in grief, alone in our apartment most nights.
And I remember him coming home looking exhausted and defeated. I'll never forget when he looked at me with tears in his eyes, "It's so hard going there. I got this job for them, and now they're not here. I think about it all the time when I'm working."
We hurt for each other, but did what we felt like we had to do.
Soon, we decided we were going to try again. So, he kept that job. To support us. To help get us closer to another child.
And 5 months later we bought a house and we found out I was pregnant.
So he worked both jobs.
I got put on bed rest and had to essentially quit my job. So he worked.
I stayed home with Paxton. So he worked.
I (against all odds and plans) got pregnant again. So he worked.
I stayed home with Paxton and Greyson. So he worked.
I felt guilty that all the financial burden was on him. He felt guilty that I was stuck at home doing "mommy" things all day, every day.
I watched him get more and more drained. He watched me get more and more drained.
It's hard.. on both of us. But what we both dislike most is that he misses so much time with the boys. Half the week, he's only home long enough to feed them dinner, then leave again for his second job -- not getting home until 1:30am.
He hasn't had a vacation, as in, more than 3 days off both jobs... in three years. Which also means, I haven't been able to really relax either.
But maybe, that's all about to change.
Brad has been offered a position as a CVS manager-in-training.
And I'm so proud of him. I'm proud of him for applying, as he's been looking and applying to jobs here or there for quite some time. You don't hear back from most. And the rest just didn't pay enough to afford him to leave either job to pursue it.
After so many years doing the same thing, getting worn down, you start to feel a little stuck -- wondering what will come next -- and feeling like it may never come.
And I worried, as I saw the toll it took on his personality and physical body doing mostly repetitive, physical labor for 14 hours some days.
So, I'm proud that he saw his way out, and pursued it. Despite being nervous, anxious, and unsure.. he did it.
Nothing is ever that simple though. Then we found out the insurance would cost more and cover less. As in, his pay would be about the same as his two-job income, but he'd be paying more for insurance. So we'd be losing money.
I felt sick to my stomach. And I broke down. I didn't want him to see it, but I did. I hated that he might be this close, but we'd have to turn it down because of family expenses. That we'd be sentencing him (and all of us) to months or years of the physically demanding, sometimes crushing, two-job schedule.
I said, crying, "You can't keep doing this forever (referencing his current schedule). It's wearing you down. You're always exhausted. And I wanted this for you so bad. I just know you can do it.. and I know where you're at now is bothering you. It's weighing on you."
His face turned sad, but he tried to muster reassurance that he'd be okay.. "But I've never complained."
I felt punched in the gut.
I knew he'd never complained. And he never would.
"Just because you don't say it, doesn't mean you don't feel it." I paused, "I know you wanted this. And I wanted it for you."
He started to get teary-eyed.
We took a day to think things over, really crunch numbers, and make sure we made the right decision.
So, while he was at work, I thought of all the positives. The physical reprieve. The fewer hours for the same pay. More time with the boys.
I also knew that insurance plans change every year, and we're at a point where we have no idea what will be happening in the next year or two anyway (in terms of government regulation/market changes). It was a gamble, but after I weighed all the positives to just the cost of insurance, I knew.
I texted him, "I think you should take it."
I wanted him to do something he wanted to do, instead of what he had to do. It was just time.
But I was even more elated, and proud, when he told them his concerns about insurance, and they offered to pay more to make the difference more manageable. They wanted him bad enough to do so.
So, in a couple weeks, he'll officially be an employee of CVS. Training to be a store manager. And I'm so proud.
I know I've used the word a few times already, but I don't feel like I can say it enough.
Proud of him for getting back to the career he wanted. Proud of him for applying, despite the rejections or offers he had to turn down. Proud of him for doing so well in the interview that they wanted him so much that they were anxious about him not taking the offer right away.
But I'm most proud of him for starting that second job three years ago. Taking it for his unborn children. And deciding to still go, in the midst of our grief, for the hope of future children. And going -- week after week -- for three years now, to take care of his family. And when you'd think he was totally drained, he'd be going to mow someone's yard for a little extra cash.
Because that's who he is.
Doing whatever he could to take care of us.
And never complaining. <3
From your children.. and me.. Thank you. And, congratulations!
