Meant To Be?

So, this is sort of a follow-up post to yesterday.

As is usually the case, whenever I post about bad news.. or 'unsuccessful' news, people are pretty supportive and encouraging.

But, I had a lot on my mind as I was posting yesterday's blog.. and even moreso, after reading the responses on my Facebook page. So, this may all seem a bit jumbled, but I'll do my best :)

First, I know anyone that has been down this road can relate to the sheer annoyance when someone tells you to, "Just relax, and it'll happen." or "I bet if you stopped trying, you'd get pregnant."

Usually, you smile and nod.. because debating the true logistics of things, just isn't worth it. Still, it's annoying, at the very least.. when someone speaks about perhaps the most trying thing in your life, as if you just told them that the grocery store was out of bread.

"Just be patient. It'll happen."

What these well-intentioned people don't realize, is that you already had a couple years of 'not trying' or 'not stressing.' Guess what? It didn't happen. Or that your body literally won't ovulate without medical intervention. So, 'waiting it out' will do nothing.. but waste time.

Then, of course, there's this assumption that you're not getting pregnant, because you're stressing about it. Alas, I'm really not. I'm pretty calm about the whole thing. I have bad days.. but that's it. Just a day or two, and I move on. In fact, it's sometimes so far in the back of my mind, I nearly forget to take the medicines. Clearly, a far cry from 'over-whelming' my daily life.

Which leads me to another set of comments that also gets thrown around a lot. "If it's meant to be, it'll be." or "It'll happen when it's supposed to happen." or "Things always find a way to work out."

These are perhaps the statements that get under my skin the most.

First, I don't believe in destiny or a divine plan. I think life happens, and it's up to us how we respond to it. We create the perspective; or the framework.. if you will. It's not that things 'always work out for the better.' It's that we choose not to dwell on the negative, and instead, focus on the positives. Why? Cause it makes life bearable.

Things just don't always "work out." As much as we like to tell ourselves that.. to make us feel all warm and cozy. It's simply not true.

It's called life.

Those of us lucky enough to not currently be starving, or watching our loved ones die in bloody conflicts or terrorist bombings on a daily basis, get to wax philosophical about how if you wait long enough, everything gets better. But the reality is, it doesn't.

The truth is, for us, if something doesn't work out, we have the luxury of moving on, trying something else, and forgetting about the failure. In other words, things don't get just 'get better.' Our reflection on them gets better. Our perspective improves. Our coping mechanisms adapt.

Also, these "meant to be" statements, backhandedly are saying.. "If you don't have a kid, it's because it's not meant to be." That's a real nice and uplifting sentiment, right? I suppose the drug addicts that I see on a regular basis, are "meant to" have a dozen kids.. because they do.

Again, I know these remarks are meant to be inspiring. But honestly, they're belittling.

Because the bitter truth is that it's a very real possibility that we won't have children. We may not be able to afford the treatments. My body may never respond like it needs to. If I get pregnant, I may have a miscarriage. And so on, and so on.

But IF we DO have a child, it's not cause it's meant to be. It's because science worked. The medicine made my hormones rise and fall at exactly the right time. My husband's genes mixed with my genes.. without critical flaw. Cells multiplied. And there it was.

Not a miracle. Not a divine right, or gift from above. Just... science playing the odds.

So, I'll say it again and again. Call me a pessimist (I prefer realist). I was never "meant to be" a mother.. any more than I was "meant to be" a singer or a coal-miner. The difference is, I think I'd be a good mother.. and I'd like to see if I'm right.