Wedding Cake and Hot Flashes

My last post was fairly brief, and only said that the cost of one of my meds had gone down and that I had another ovarian ultrasound coming soon. Well, that ultrasound was today... but before I get to that, let me set up this cycle a bit.

This time around, I wasn't stressing at all. In fact, there were a couple times I almost forgot to take my meds; it was so far in the back of my mind. I also almost forgot what day my ultrasound was on. Being less 'aware' and focused on the calendar, made this cycle a little easier to get through in general.

This past weekend, my husband and I were at a wedding. A couple there, that we're friends with, had also been going through issues with infertility. The wife blurted out that she was now almost 3 months pregnant. She thought I had already been told, but I hadn't. So, I was surprised.. sure. Upset? No. In fact, the only thing that bothered me was that when I congratulated her, I could see the pity on her face.. but it was different from the usual. This was someone who could empathize with how it felt to be trying and failing to get pregnant. She was afraid to look happy in front of me, because she didn't want to rub it in my face. I reassured her that it was okay, and that I was sincerely happy for them.

And, I was telling the truth. I didn't feel even the slightest wave of jealousy.. but as I started contemplating the whole weekend. First, finding out our once 'infertile' friends were pregnant, the next day being Mother's Day, followed by my ultrasound.. it felt like there was a rock sitting in my gut. I wasn't mad, nervous, or jealous. Just uncomfortable.

I was aware that I hadn't felt any sharp pains, like I had with the first cycle on these meds.. so I was betting they hadn't worked. That's my pessimistic nature, anyway.

This morning (CD10), as I was leaving to go to my appointment, my husband said, "Hope we get good news."

Ugh. Why did he have to say that? At that point, in my bones, I knew this cycle hadn't worked.

So, I arrive to my appointment; first patient in the waiting room. After about ten minutes, the tech arrives; and calls me back. Just like last time, I go into the side bathroom, and wrap what literally is a large paper towel around my waist.. and head for the table. Briefly, I wonder if I should wear my socks. I had just painted my nails purple for the wedding and they still looked cute.

I decided the tech would probably not be impressed by shiny toenails. Socks stayed on. LOL

So I scoot down and she does the standard exam. Uterine lining. Good. Right ovary.. a few follicles, nothing large enough.

She then asks if I'm on injections. I answer, "No. Just letrozole."

Left ovary.. a few more follicles.. nothing large enough.

The tech said nothing, but I knew from last time the size they were looking for.. and none of these qualified. As we're finishing, the tech says, "Everything looks good."

Good? Compared to what, exactly? The largest follicle was 10mm, and they need to be around 18mm.

I get dressed and walk out, where she's getting ready to fax my results. She then asks (again) if I'm on injections. I tell her no, just the trigger shot. She doesn't even look at me, and says, "Oh. So you already took your fertility meds.. So these should be...." She just abruptly stops talking, but never looks up. So I say, "Yeah. None big enough."

So, unfortunately, I was right. The meds did nothing this time. No idea why they worked the first month, and not this one. That was a whole lot of hot flashes for nothing :/

A nurse from the doc's office called me a couple hours later, telling me what I already knew.. That none of the follicles were large enough to warrant the trigger shot, and that we can try one more round of this medication, or try something else.

What nobody really wants to grasp is that there is nothing else for us. We can NOT afford the next options. I don't have an extra grand sitting around every month.. just to "try." I don't know many people who do.

That is the part that is actually most exhausting. Not the planning, or marking the calendar, or scheduling the medications... but coping with the idea that "You can't afford to conceive a child." That is a really hard pill to swallow. That I don't have enough money to overcome a defect of mine.

And it's something that is even harder to say out loud. I'm dreading the meeting with my doctor when I have to tell him, "The next steps just aren't possible for us. This has to work, or we're not having children."

It literally feels like someone who's got two quarters left to their name and they're standing in front of a slot machine. Knowing that if they don't strike it big on the next two tries.. they won't even be able to get home.

So, I spent the day on the verge of tears.. but didn't actually cry until my husband got home and asked me how I was doing. I think what makes me fall apart isn't the 'bad news' .. it's feeling like a disappointment to him.. no matter how much he reassures me that's not the case.