Wedding Cake and Hot Flashes

My last post was fairly brief, and only said that the cost of one of my meds had gone down and that I had another ovarian ultrasound coming soon. Well, that ultrasound was today... but before I get to that, let me set up this cycle a bit.

This time around, I wasn't stressing at all. In fact, there were a couple times I almost forgot to take my meds; it was so far in the back of my mind. I also almost forgot what day my ultrasound was on. Being less 'aware' and focused on the calendar, made this cycle a little easier to get through in general.

This past weekend, my husband and I were at a wedding. A couple there, that we're friends with, had also been going through issues with infertility. The wife blurted out that she was now almost 3 months pregnant. She thought I had already been told, but I hadn't. So, I was surprised.. sure. Upset? No. In fact, the only thing that bothered me was that when I congratulated her, I could see the pity on her face.. but it was different from the usual. This was someone who could empathize with how it felt to be trying and failing to get pregnant. She was afraid to look happy in front of me, because she didn't want to rub it in my face. I reassured her that it was okay, and that I was sincerely happy for them.

And, I was telling the truth. I didn't feel even the slightest wave of jealousy.. but as I started contemplating the whole weekend. First, finding out our once 'infertile' friends were pregnant, the next day being Mother's Day, followed by my ultrasound.. it felt like there was a rock sitting in my gut. I wasn't mad, nervous, or jealous. Just uncomfortable.

I was aware that I hadn't felt any sharp pains, like I had with the first cycle on these meds.. so I was betting they hadn't worked. That's my pessimistic nature, anyway.

This morning (CD10), as I was leaving to go to my appointment, my husband said, "Hope we get good news."

Ugh. Why did he have to say that? At that point, in my bones, I knew this cycle hadn't worked.

So, I arrive to my appointment; first patient in the waiting room. After about ten minutes, the tech arrives; and calls me back. Just like last time, I go into the side bathroom, and wrap what literally is a large paper towel around my waist.. and head for the table. Briefly, I wonder if I should wear my socks. I had just painted my nails purple for the wedding and they still looked cute.

I decided the tech would probably not be impressed by shiny toenails. Socks stayed on. LOL

So I scoot down and she does the standard exam. Uterine lining. Good. Right ovary.. a few follicles, nothing large enough.

She then asks if I'm on injections. I answer, "No. Just letrozole."

Left ovary.. a few more follicles.. nothing large enough.

The tech said nothing, but I knew from last time the size they were looking for.. and none of these qualified. As we're finishing, the tech says, "Everything looks good."

Good? Compared to what, exactly? The largest follicle was 10mm, and they need to be around 18mm.

I get dressed and walk out, where she's getting ready to fax my results. She then asks (again) if I'm on injections. I tell her no, just the trigger shot. She doesn't even look at me, and says, "Oh. So you already took your fertility meds.. So these should be...." She just abruptly stops talking, but never looks up. So I say, "Yeah. None big enough."

So, unfortunately, I was right. The meds did nothing this time. No idea why they worked the first month, and not this one. That was a whole lot of hot flashes for nothing :/

A nurse from the doc's office called me a couple hours later, telling me what I already knew.. That none of the follicles were large enough to warrant the trigger shot, and that we can try one more round of this medication, or try something else.

What nobody really wants to grasp is that there is nothing else for us. We can NOT afford the next options. I don't have an extra grand sitting around every month.. just to "try." I don't know many people who do.

That is the part that is actually most exhausting. Not the planning, or marking the calendar, or scheduling the medications... but coping with the idea that "You can't afford to conceive a child." That is a really hard pill to swallow. That I don't have enough money to overcome a defect of mine.

And it's something that is even harder to say out loud. I'm dreading the meeting with my doctor when I have to tell him, "The next steps just aren't possible for us. This has to work, or we're not having children."

It literally feels like someone who's got two quarters left to their name and they're standing in front of a slot machine. Knowing that if they don't strike it big on the next two tries.. they won't even be able to get home.

So, I spent the day on the verge of tears.. but didn't actually cry until my husband got home and asked me how I was doing. I think what makes me fall apart isn't the 'bad news' .. it's feeling like a disappointment to him.. no matter how much he reassures me that's not the case.

Back At It, With A Refund

Well, after almost two months off, we're back at it. Well, not "it" .. yet ;) But I've begun another cycle of treatment.

And as trying and expensive as this can be, I did get some good (although weird) news.

When I called the pharmacy we use (it specializes in fertility meds), to refill my two prescriptions for this cycle (ovidrel and femara), the lady took my order and gave me a total. Problem was, the total was over a hundred dollars less than it was in January. After she gave me the total, I literally said, "And that's for which one of the medicines?" She responded, "Both."

I was skeptical, and waited for my debit card to billed the correct amount.

A few days later, the meds arrived.. and to my surprise, I was only billed the quoted amount. So, then I became curious, because I KNEW I had paid so much more last time. Within a few minutes, I found my old receipt. And for the letrozole (generic femara), the cost went from $180 in January, to $40 in April?!

I called the pharmacy, hoping that I'd luck out and the first time I was overcharged. It took several phone calls to get a hold of someone with an answer. As it turns out, I was sort of a guinea pig back in January. What I didn't know, was that the letrozole had just been released and was brand new on the market. With the passing of just a couple months, even more drug companies started making it, so the price plummeted.

So, as odd a feeling as it was to know that I was one of the first to try it, it was a relief knowing that going forward, our meds would cost almost $150 less each month. That should give us a little breathing room, anyway. (Not that the whole process is suddenly cheap, but I'll take what I can get.)

Much to my surprise, a few days later, I had a voicemail from the pharmacy; stating that they saw that I had called about a price difference between my two orders, and that as a one time courtesy, they'd refund the difference...

I swore I misunderstood the voicemail. No way are they going to refund $140, when they don't really owe it to me, and I didn't even ask for it. Right?

Wrong. A few days later, it was credited to my account.

Color me impressed. :)

So, if you find yourself in a situation like mine, ask your doctor to send your scripts to Freedom Fertility Pharmacy. Customer service doesn't get much better than that!

I just started my letrozole today, and will have my ovarian ultrasound in a couple weeks, to see if it worked. *fingers crossed*