One Year

First, I want to thank every person who reached out to me after the last post. So many of you messaged me, texted me, emailed me, etc. Some of you could relate to my story. Some of you had been through it and succeeded. Some of you were still trying. And some of you took completely different paths. I appreciate all of you that took the time to share your stories with me. Thank you.

Which brings me to my current post:

In about a week, I will have been married for exactly one year. Which means, we've actually been trying to get pregnant for about one year... and not preventing for even longer. So, this is officially when the doctors will say you're "reproductively challenged." Nice term, huh? Like my ovaries are riding short bus to school.

In the next two weeks, I have two fertility appointments. One with my original doctor, to ask her to explain why she gave up so fast; after only two cycles on the lowest doseage of Clomid. Typically, they try for at least 6 months on increasing doseages before moving on to more intensive options. Then, the 'consultation' with the specialist to whom she referred me.

I'm looking forward to moving onto the next step, but I'm not really eager to go. These kinds of appointments are always kind of depressing. Why? Because you go in hoping they'll have figured it out. Cracked the code to your specific problem or imbalance. But, they never do. You just follow the regimented steps they learned from their med school textbooks. For example, my diagnosis was made from about 3 symptoms grouped together. There's been no real medical test to confirm or diagnose the extent of the problem. Nobody has even brought it up. I find it peculiar.. In that sense, it probably is better that I'm meeting with a specialist that does nothing but fertility.

It's also depressing when you get a new doctor, for the same old problem. You have to repeat everything, explain all your symptoms, go through your history of heartbreaks and depression. It makes you re-live all those times that you don't even want to think about. What's worse, is that 9 times out of 10, I'll be going alone... which sort of backhandedly reminds me that this is MY problem, not OUR problem.

What's even more depressing, due to timing at the moment, is that this appointment is actually going to kind of muck up our holidays and anniversary. After figuring out our bills, doing our holiday and birthday shopping, and then adding on the doctor's fees... we actually don't have enough left over to go back to the cabin like we intended. I even thought of us just staying in the hotel in West Lafayette that we stayed at the night of our wedding; just to get away and relax for a couple days.. but I'm not even sure we can afford that now.

But not to be too much of a downer.. On the bright side, I only have to work for maybe 4 days out of the next two weeks and half weeks. Had some vacation to take before the end of the year.

And the even better news is, even if I'm upset that we can't celebrate our anniversary the way that I would like... I do get to celebrate an anniversary. Sad as it is, plenty of couples don't even make it to one year. I'm thankful that we've made it work, and actually grown closer when things have gotten hard.

So, to my loving husband... I still choose you. Every second of every day.
I am so thankful to have you by my side through this journey.