16 Weeks - A Long Update

Figured I should post an update. We have so many followers now.. Hate to leave them in the dark.

As far as the pregnancy is concerned, we've had a whole lot of worry, but very little activity. At about 12 weeks, I went for a visit with my OB, on a Friday morning, because I was feeling some "heaviness" after moving items around the home. So, to be on the safe side, just wanted to get checked out.

She felt my cervix and said, "It feels like 2 cm. I think you'll need a cerclage. I think you'll be fine over the weekend, if you want to wait, or I can send you to Indy right now for a consult."

Knowing that if I waited the weekend I would completely panic myself about every little thing, I opted to go to Indy that day to meet with the high risk doctors. Before I left the office, my OB said, "Next time I see you, you'll probably have a cerclage."

At that moment, I truly was overwhelmed with emotion. And I was trying to get ahold of Brad, who was at work, to tell him we needed to leave NOW in order to make it to Indy on time -- and to tell him I was about to have surgery.

I went to pick him up in his work parking lot, and I had already moved to the passenger seat by the time he emerged from his building. By the time he reached the car, tears were streaming down my face. I just muttered, "I don't want to go through this again." He just responded, "I know," and took my hand. Off to Indy we went.

I had calmed down by the time we arrived, but I was still going over all the possible complications. A cerclage is not without risk, and can cause infection, miscarriage, etc. It was hard not to worry about doing a 'preventative' procedure that could actually cause the thing you're trying to prevent.

But they called me back to the exam room to do an ultrasound. Doctor says the results aloud, "You're about 2.8 to 2.9 cm. You can either do a cerclage now, or wait til Tuesday to see if there are any changes. I'm comfortable with doing either."

When given the option for surgery or not, when the "not" is a viable option, I'm always choosing not. So, I told him I'd like to wait and see. That was the weekend I was on strict bedrest. The specialist actually told me it wasn't necessary medically, but it would keep me from blaming myself if something went wrong. I truly appreciated that a doctor would recognize the possible guilt involved in such decisions.

We went back on Tuesday, and lo and behold, I was measuring a 3.2 cm. Strong improvement. Whether it was the strict bedrest, or it would have happened anyway, I didn't much care. But given the improvement, doctor no longer deemed a cerclage necessary, and instead recommended weekly monitoring.

I saw the same doctor for several weeks in a row, so the visits got more humorous and relaxed, occasionally joking about his long fingers or how he has the biggest hands in the office (not sure how Brad felt about that conversation.. lol). Each week, I measured around 3.1 to 3.3. So everything was holding steady...

Until..

One week I laid down, and I hear the ultrasound tech whisper to the doctor, "She's contracting. Do you want me to wait a minute?"

My heart rate probably tripled that very second. Contracting?! I was actually too scared to even ask if I was in labor, and instead watched the doctor's face for a clue as to whether this was the end. He seemed completely unphased, so I was relieved, but still anxious for an explanation.

Finally, after much squinting at the screen, he turned to me, "Well, part of your uterus is contracting.. which is completely normal.. but it makes it really hard to get a measurement. Still looks okay though."

Whew!

I went a couple more weeks with different doctors seeing me. Last week, I got, "Everything looks about the same, but there is some slight funneling."

Ugh. For those that don't know, it's exactly what it sounds like. It means the cervix is opening up from the inside out, and it looks like a funnel on the ultrasound. It's not good. But this doctor, again, didn't seem concerned. I truly didn't understand why this wasn't concerning, as funneling -- to me, indicates labor is about to start. But I tried to let it go. If the high risk folks aren't worried, I probably shouldn't be.

Bean, sleeping on their stomach, during the "funneling" ultrasound.

Luckily, today, I saw my original long-fingered doctor. Still measured a 3.2 cm. And I asked about the funneling.

His response: "Yeah... I don't think that's actually funneling. In early ultrasounds, the uterus and cervix are sometimes hard to tell apart. And the softening of your uterus can look like funneling. But given your measurements, I think everything is completely fine."

:) Why couldn't the other guy have just said that?

And this week, per usual protocol, they've started me on progesterone injections. Theoretically, it makes your body feel "super" pregnant, and will hopefully prevent any preterm contractions and can help the cervix stay longer.

We're 3 weeks away from when we lost the twins (19 weeks, 2 days), so I feel myself getting more nervous by the day. But, I'm trying desperately to stay optimistic.

My Closest Ally

I'm not the type that constantly posts sappy statuses on Facebook about my husband. Or if I do, I tack on some crude or sarcastic humor for good measure. ;) But I feel the need to give him some serious props for going through this latest journey with me.

When he found out I would have fertility issues (before getting married), he didn't panic or run the other way. He calmly told me that being with me was the most important thing. Anything else was just icing.

When the treatments put me in the hospital, he didn't panic. He took days off of work, never leaving my side. Unquestionably taking better care of me than a single nurse there. Remaining unfazed by my ballooning stature, the IVs in my arms, or the fluid leaking from my abdomen.

When we found out I was pregnant with not one, but two, he didn't panic. He did joke, "As long as it's not three." No question though, I started to panic at this point, and he kept me sane with his stillness.

When some blood work came back, showing that I was at a higher risk for one or both babies having a chromosomal disorder, he didn't panic. He just kept asking me how I was, what I wanted to do, and promising to be there with me no matter what happened. (I decided to not do any invasive testing, since my odds were still fairly low, and it didn't feel worth the risk of miscarrying both.)

And now, as the reality of the situation is slowly sinking in, he's not panicking. When I freak out thinking about how we're going to afford two of everything, from diapers to cribs, or how we'll manage our time with two little ones (which, you know, with a pregnant woman.. usually involves a serious crying session), he remains steadfast and reassuring. Always quick to say that he's willing to do whatever it takes to take care of his family.

So, to my husband, I am so lucky and grateful to have you by my side during this huge life shift. Every single day, I see women either trying to do it by themselves, or with much 'lesser' and unsupportive men. But you constantly surprise me -- always going above and beyond what I expect from you; without complaint. And every step, set-back or progress, we go through, I find myself falling even more in love with you.. somehow surprised that the amazing man I married is in fact more amazing than I ever anticipated. Your love for me, and now your future children, is inspiring. You have been my closest ally, and I can't wait to see you as a father. <3