Here Is To All The Dads

Here is to all the dads, and most especially the one to my children.

We've now been here with another newborn for a week. Utterly exhausted. In the ER for an incision check, and in the OB office for a second check, then in again for a blood pressure spike. That's on top of two pediatrician appointments. All with an almost one-year-old in tow.

Add in the usual newborn sleeping/feeding schedule. Me being in recovery from surgery (unable to lift our one-year-old) and adapting to new blood pressure meds. Oh, and I can't tell you the number of emotional outbursts and sob sessions I've had since being home. Everything from apologizing for needing so much help, to feeling like my older son is forever emotionally scarred by my inability to hold him, to just crying about everything -- our whole history -- all the injections and tests, the hospitalizations, the twins, ER visits, my changing body, the c-section, future surgeries...

And through it all, he was present. Not just there. Present.

Giving me hugs, wiping my tears, washing bottles, burping the baby, making dinner, changing diapers, entertaining and comforting the one-year-old, losing sleep, giving baths, driving me to every appointment, juggling both kids in waiting rooms. And not one complaint.

I would cry about my body being such a lemon. That I'm somehow 'healthy,' yet something always goes wrong. That I feel like I'm putting too much on him.

He would do nothing but hold me, reassure me we were in this together, remind me how capable and beautiful I am, and then go right back to being a dad.

When so many, by circumstance or choice, don't do the bare minimum, this is a shout out to the dads that go above and beyond.

For their children. For their spouses/partners. In it for the long haul -- no praise required or expected.

I'm married to one of those.

Paxton

Greyson

For all the baby bump kisses and foot rubs.
For fixing/finding anything I craved on any given day.
For all the bedtimes you've read to your children -- even before they were born
For wiping away tears and calming to sleep.
For all the forehead kisses and 3am feedings.
For the shoulder to cry on (for me and the kids).
For your ability to be compassionate, yet strong, whenever the situation requires.
For loving through the dark days.
For showing your sons what commitment means.
And for being the daddy my children deserve.
Thank you.

It is a special gift.. to see the love of your life holding the little lives you've made together.. and knowing it's exactly where he wants to be..

.. even if he'd give anything for a nap.

Beauty In The Greyson

I promised to write about his delivery when I got home, but as I'm rocking him at 4am in my hospital bed, it feels like as good a time as any..

So, I'll go back a little. What follows is pregnancy jargon, so feel free to skip ahead.

A couple weeks ago, I started to show progress/signs of labor after a very uneventful pregnancy. I was 1cm dilated and 50% thinned.

But then, for my next two appointments, nothing changed (unlike last time). So, much to my surprise, my doc briefly mentioned induction. With a history of two severely premature babies, and the other two weeks early, it's just not a conversation you expect to have.

At that same appointment, she offered to sweep my membranes, just to see if it would start something. Since I was still only 1cm, she (and I) didn't have high hopes, but told her to go ahead and try.

By midnight that night, I started my "bloody show" -- which is more mucus than the murder scene it sounds like. Contractions soon followed.

We might be getting somewhere.

But the contractions were 1-2 an hour. It was going to be awhile. So, I tried my hardest to sleep, in hopes that delivery was coming soon.

Morning came, and I started to eat breakfast. Woah. These contractions just kicked up a notch.

"You may want to stay home, dear. I think this is it."

Soon, contractions were 7 min apart, and I felt SURE things were happening. So, we went in.

I felt it was probably on the early side, but you hear about all these uber fast labors that result in a kid born on the toilet at home or the side of the road.

Let's avoid that, shall we?

We got to the hospital around 9am.

"3cm," they said after a quick check.

"Definitely a change from yesterday, but it may just stall. So, walk around and such, and we'll check in another hour."

At this point, Brad left, taking Pax home to the sitter (his cousin). I told him to go ahead because it looked like it'd be awhile..

An hour passes, "3.5 cm. So, a change, but not as much as we like."

They started not-so-subtly suggesting that if things didn't move much faster, they'd be sending me home.

My gut kept saying that was a terrible idea. The contractions were getting quite painful and only 4 min apart. What on Earth was I supposed to wait for if I left?

So, they offered a birthing ball to get things going. I obliged. And while bouncing and rolling, clipboard of consent forms in hand, my water suddenly broke.

Inside, I was thinking, "I tolllld you."

Contractions got intense -- shooting up my thighs and around my back. We weren't in Kansas anymore.

Quick text to Brad. "My water just broke."

Felt like that explained enough ;)

By the time Brad got back, I was a completely different person.

He had left a casual, fun woman -- talking and joking through contractions. He returned to one yelling and taking the deepest breaths possible just to get through.

"You're clearly having a harder time. Let's check you again."

Just 45 min after my last check -- "7 cm."

Whaaaat?! This is happening.

But as I was going through everything in my mind -- "Damn. Still don't get to labor in water," "Am I going to try natural since this went so fast?," and "I'm going to meet my son so soon!" -- everything came to a halt.

"I think he's breech."

This entire time, he'd been perfect on the monitors, and he'd been head down for weeks. But, not today. Not now.

One nurse verified with an ultrasound. Another double-checked.

And with how quickly I was progressing, they worried I'd be at 10cm within 30 minutes. There just was no time to safely try rolling/flipping manuevers.

So, as quickly as my excitement came, it fell out from underneath me.

"You need a c-section, and you need it now."

I immediately cried. I was in shock and utterly terrified.

Everyone around me was running around trying to get lab results and fill out forms. Dressing in gowns. "Would you accept a blood transfusion?" Telling Brad what was about to happen.

I couldn't stop crying as nearly every nurse tried to assure me it would be okay and that I was in good hands.

Brad came to my side, also trying to reassure me. But I saw the fear in his eyes. It was the same fear I felt in my bones.

"If something happens..."  I whispered, "just take care of my babies."

There was silence as a solitary tear fell down my face.

"I love you."

I was starting to get the urge to push as they swiftly wheeled me away. All they told Brad was to put on this surgical attire and that they'd get him in a few minutes.

They wasted no time placing a spinal and raising a sheet to block the view.

I can't adequately describe the battle going on in my head.

"I feel like I'm suffocating (as my chest was numb, breathing didn't feel like a reflex, but a chore)," "Why am I suddenly soooo tired? (found out later they'd given me a good dose of Benadryl to counteract itchiness from the spinal)," "I don't want to sleep through his birth," "If I fall asleep, will I stop breathing?" "Calm down and breathe," "There's Brad. Just look at him," "This feels weird," How long should this take?" "I really, truly feel like I'm dying."

And then I heard him cry.

I still struggled with every inhale, but it didn't matter. My job to get him Earthside was done.

I heard them going over their checklist, and all was well with my baby boy. Come what may, I was immediately filled with pride and love.

Brad, again, found himself pulled in two directions as they invited him over to see his son.

He looked me square in the eyes, "Are you okay?"

I smiled and nodded.

I felt so alone as he left my view, still struggling to breathe, but I wasn't going to let him know. It was his time to be a dad first.

But soon, I was in recovery, doing skin-to-skin, and nursing.

Seemed my time wasn't up just yet. And I felt grateful to the universe for being loaned some more hours, days, months, or maybe years -- to be a mother.

And as I held my baby boy, thinking about how we chose his name many months ago, I couldn't help but smirk to myself.

You see, we picked Greyson for a few reasons.

1) He was the "Grape" in our PB&J
2) His initials are GPS, cause he found his own way here.
And lastly,
3) The beauty and surprises in life exist in the greys. Not the rules, decisions, and plans we naively believe are black and white.
The area between black and white. The grey. That's where life happens.
And in all our black and white plans, our Greyson came along -- changed everything -- and showed us the beauty in surprises.

And his delivery was no exception <3

Born at 1:12pm on 2/19, 8lbs. 2oz, 20 inches.
- Greyson Paul Shilor -

My Valentine

Thanks to "On This Day" on FB, I just read my Valentine post from last year (and just like last year, I'm posting a day early). Not sure I can top it.. 

I mean, I talked about how we met, and how we fell in love -- over and over again. How we have the kind of love that playwrights imagine. What more could I possible add?

Last Valentine's Day, we were exactly one month from my due date (this time, we're exactly two weeks away), so needless to say.. this year has involved a lot of change. Because not only do I get to love you for all the reasons I did before, but now, I get to see you through our son's eyes.

And it's quite a view.

How he giggles when you make faces or blow raspberries. How he lights up when you walk through the door after a long day at work. How he snuggles his face into your chest when he's tired and just wants his dad. -- How he loves you.

And despite all the chaos our little rugrat has brought us, we did some awesome things to celebrate us and everything that got us here.

You set up a surprise picnic (and fire) in our backyard for just a normal date night.

You took me to where you proposed on our dating anniversary.

We announced the gender of our new baby.

But one of my favorite moments of the last year, was standing in the exact spot we stood on our wedding day -- celebrating 5 years of marriage. <3

But these, my love, are just the highlights. There have been countless love notes, slow dances in the living room, tickle fights, and laughing fits. Everything that makes us, US.

I choose you.

Happy Valentine's Day.