The following was my "coming out" blog/note on Facebook. I posted this just a few short weeks ago. Prior to this, nobody but my husband knew about my PCOS/fertility issues. How did you let people know? Or have you?
"Sooooo.. I'd been debating on whether or not to share any of this or not.. for a long time. But since I recently posted a status about getting a surrogate mother; that I intended to be a joke about how I REALLY don't want to give birth, I got a lot of comments and questions; both on the status, and in private messages. It sort of dawned on me how very many people deal with fertility issues; and I'm not really too much a private person. If someone asks me a question, I give an honest answer. Sex. Religion. Addiction. Depression. I can talk about any of it at length. But this ONE thing, I always kept to myself. But why?
I suppose it made me feel "broken" in some way. Clearly, being able to prolong our species should be the easiest, most natural of all functions we serve. Something you can do without ever thinking about it. So, when that doesn't work... you feel a little broken. You know, like that piece of candy that gets blown off the assembly line cause one nut is out of place. Well, I'm still just as tasty as the other pieces :-P So, maybe I have a nut in the wrong place, and my creamy center isn't the right color. Who cares?
Well, I care... obviously.. My husband probably cares.. But, he doesn't love me any less for it. And so, I've decided it's not worth keeping to ourselves anymore. Though, in honesty, a couple people did know.. Many moons ago, Brad told one of his relatives and a coworker (a coworker that I despised with every fiber of my being; mind you). I was devastated for awhile. So very, very hurt. I hadn't told my relatives or dearest friends. It certainly wasn't his information to share. Truth is, it still bothers me a great a deal... But I realize that he was naively unaware of how big a deal it was to me at the time. I think, to him, it was like telling someone I had a cold. But I think he "got it" when I said, "How would you feel if I told someone.. someone you didn't like, especially.. that your sperm count was low?" I think it then resonated how personal that would feel. (btw, it's not.. or as far as we know, it's not.. lol)
But through all this, I realized why I didn't want people to know. I didn't want people to treat me differently; being careful to never ask 'hopefully' or 'jokingly' if I was pregnant. Or looking for symptoms of my 'disorder.' I didn't want people to be afraid to invite me to baby showers. I just didn't want to be treated like the broken piece of candy.
So, for that reason, I won't be posting the particular problem that I have. (Two uteruses? A lazy ovary? Was I born a male? I'll never tell :-P) I will say that it's not necessarily dooming. Plenty of women get pregnant with this issue.. but it IS harder. And unfortunately, there is no good treatment for it. Really just trial and error. There are medications I can try. Fertility drugs and such. Problem is, this condition also makes it more likely that I will miscarry if I happen to get pregnant. Obviously, that's scary.. and something to think about.
Now, to those of you who grew up with me, this might be sort of a surprise that I'm even talking about WANTING to get pregnant. I was notoriously known for saying that me having kids was a one-shot deal. I'll agree to get pregnant ONCE; if my husband REALLY wants kids. Otherwise, I'm fine with none.
Well, there's quite a mix of history here. First, ever since I was 11 years old, I knew there was something wrong.. and that having children would be difficult; if not impossible. So, I think it's feasible that I just convinced myself I didn't want children. It was easier than battling with it and thinking about, or admitting, how I "couldn't."
But a few things have changed. First, meeting Brad. He was the first person I could even imagine having children with. And secondly, my niece and nephew. The way they light up a room.. at least for me.. It's sort of mesmerizing.
However, with all that said, a part of me is still unsure if I do want children. Maybe I just think I do.. Or maybe I just believe that's 'what comes next' in life. Cause here's the downside of all this. You have to think about it. Really THINK about it. You have no choice but to weigh the pros and cons. When you have to try so hard to make something happen, you inevitably ask yourself if it's worth it.. or the right thing to do.
I've had about a bajillion thoughts on it.
The world is over-populated. It's an environmental burden. We don't own a home yet. Would I be a good mother anyway? Would I rather just save money? Who's gonna make sure I'm in a good nursing home later? Is it too late? Is it worth taking fertility drugs that could harm me? Could we adopt? Would I even WANT to adopt? College is gonna cost a lot in 20 years. I really do NOT want to give birth. I could teach a child so many things. What would our kids look like? I don't want to be working overnights when I have children. Can I deal with miscarriages if we really try? I obviously can't get pregnant if I never see my husband, but I can't afford to have a baby if I quit my job. This all stresses me out. The stress doesn't help fertility. (and so on, and so on, and so on)
These are things you don't really have to think about when it just 'happens' .. by accident, or minimal planning. Then, you just take it as it is, and go day by day. But day by day isn't an option, when each day is another decision, another stressor, another medication, or another doctor's appointment.
So, I struggle with all this.. almost on a daily basis. But, in fairness, we've only been 'trying' since our wedding. Not long at all in the scope of things. However, with our schedules; we're unlikely to conceive due to logistics and timing. And, obviously, neither of us are spring chickens anymore. IF we want to do this, we need to actively get on board. Which means fertility drugs and probably a change of job for me. It's all very disheartening at times.
One might ask, at this point, "If you're trying to have kids, why did you JUST buy a Mustang?" Fair question. It doesn't exactly scream 'parent-to-be,' I know. But that's sort of the point. I didn't buy a 'kid-friendly' vehicle, because if things don't pan out.. I don't want a constant reminder of things that never happened for us. I figured if we got pregnant, we could always trade in. But I didn't want a vehicle with lots of seating, always feeling 'less than' for being unable to fill it. :-\
Before this all sounds too 'woe is me' .. let me say this: While I am, hopeful.. and wanting to have a child.. I DO think I'd be fine with never having children. Of course, I'd wonder 'what if' a lot. Or regret it when nobody is buying my groceries when I'm 70. ;-) But, I'd really be okay. I've never felt an ounce of bitterness about someone else's pregnancy.
So right now, we're trying to figure it all out. What we want. What we CAN do. And how to make any of it happen. I greatly appreciate all the support I've received already. But please.. don't treat me like the broken or mis-molded piece of candy. Eat me, as you normally would :-P I really am okay; at least most days.
And if putting this out there, for everyone to read, lets just one person know that they aren't struggling with this alone.. well, then.. it's served its purpose."
