Beauty In The Greyson

I promised to write about his delivery when I got home, but as I'm rocking him at 4am in my hospital bed, it feels like as good a time as any..

So, I'll go back a little. What follows is pregnancy jargon, so feel free to skip ahead.

A couple weeks ago, I started to show progress/signs of labor after a very uneventful pregnancy. I was 1cm dilated and 50% thinned.

But then, for my next two appointments, nothing changed (unlike last time). So, much to my surprise, my doc briefly mentioned induction. With a history of two severely premature babies, and the other two weeks early, it's just not a conversation you expect to have.

At that same appointment, she offered to sweep my membranes, just to see if it would start something. Since I was still only 1cm, she (and I) didn't have high hopes, but told her to go ahead and try.

By midnight that night, I started my "bloody show" -- which is more mucus than the murder scene it sounds like. Contractions soon followed.

We might be getting somewhere.

But the contractions were 1-2 an hour. It was going to be awhile. So, I tried my hardest to sleep, in hopes that delivery was coming soon.

Morning came, and I started to eat breakfast. Woah. These contractions just kicked up a notch.

"You may want to stay home, dear. I think this is it."

Soon, contractions were 7 min apart, and I felt SURE things were happening. So, we went in.

I felt it was probably on the early side, but you hear about all these uber fast labors that result in a kid born on the toilet at home or the side of the road.

Let's avoid that, shall we?

We got to the hospital around 9am.

"3cm," they said after a quick check.

"Definitely a change from yesterday, but it may just stall. So, walk around and such, and we'll check in another hour."

At this point, Brad left, taking Pax home to the sitter (his cousin). I told him to go ahead because it looked like it'd be awhile..

An hour passes, "3.5 cm. So, a change, but not as much as we like."

They started not-so-subtly suggesting that if things didn't move much faster, they'd be sending me home.

My gut kept saying that was a terrible idea. The contractions were getting quite painful and only 4 min apart. What on Earth was I supposed to wait for if I left?

So, they offered a birthing ball to get things going. I obliged. And while bouncing and rolling, clipboard of consent forms in hand, my water suddenly broke.

Inside, I was thinking, "I tolllld you."

Contractions got intense -- shooting up my thighs and around my back. We weren't in Kansas anymore.

Quick text to Brad. "My water just broke."

Felt like that explained enough ;)

By the time Brad got back, I was a completely different person.

He had left a casual, fun woman -- talking and joking through contractions. He returned to one yelling and taking the deepest breaths possible just to get through.

"You're clearly having a harder time. Let's check you again."

Just 45 min after my last check -- "7 cm."

Whaaaat?! This is happening.

But as I was going through everything in my mind -- "Damn. Still don't get to labor in water," "Am I going to try natural since this went so fast?," and "I'm going to meet my son so soon!" -- everything came to a halt.

"I think he's breech."

This entire time, he'd been perfect on the monitors, and he'd been head down for weeks. But, not today. Not now.

One nurse verified with an ultrasound. Another double-checked.

And with how quickly I was progressing, they worried I'd be at 10cm within 30 minutes. There just was no time to safely try rolling/flipping manuevers.

So, as quickly as my excitement came, it fell out from underneath me.

"You need a c-section, and you need it now."

I immediately cried. I was in shock and utterly terrified.

Everyone around me was running around trying to get lab results and fill out forms. Dressing in gowns. "Would you accept a blood transfusion?" Telling Brad what was about to happen.

I couldn't stop crying as nearly every nurse tried to assure me it would be okay and that I was in good hands.

Brad came to my side, also trying to reassure me. But I saw the fear in his eyes. It was the same fear I felt in my bones.

"If something happens..."  I whispered, "just take care of my babies."

There was silence as a solitary tear fell down my face.

"I love you."

I was starting to get the urge to push as they swiftly wheeled me away. All they told Brad was to put on this surgical attire and that they'd get him in a few minutes.

They wasted no time placing a spinal and raising a sheet to block the view.

I can't adequately describe the battle going on in my head.

"I feel like I'm suffocating (as my chest was numb, breathing didn't feel like a reflex, but a chore)," "Why am I suddenly soooo tired? (found out later they'd given me a good dose of Benadryl to counteract itchiness from the spinal)," "I don't want to sleep through his birth," "If I fall asleep, will I stop breathing?" "Calm down and breathe," "There's Brad. Just look at him," "This feels weird," How long should this take?" "I really, truly feel like I'm dying."

And then I heard him cry.

I still struggled with every inhale, but it didn't matter. My job to get him Earthside was done.

I heard them going over their checklist, and all was well with my baby boy. Come what may, I was immediately filled with pride and love.

Brad, again, found himself pulled in two directions as they invited him over to see his son.

He looked me square in the eyes, "Are you okay?"

I smiled and nodded.

I felt so alone as he left my view, still struggling to breathe, but I wasn't going to let him know. It was his time to be a dad first.

But soon, I was in recovery, doing skin-to-skin, and nursing.

Seemed my time wasn't up just yet. And I felt grateful to the universe for being loaned some more hours, days, months, or maybe years -- to be a mother.

And as I held my baby boy, thinking about how we chose his name many months ago, I couldn't help but smirk to myself.

You see, we picked Greyson for a few reasons.

1) He was the "Grape" in our PB&J
2) His initials are GPS, cause he found his own way here.
And lastly,
3) The beauty and surprises in life exist in the greys. Not the rules, decisions, and plans we naively believe are black and white.
The area between black and white. The grey. That's where life happens.
And in all our black and white plans, our Greyson came along -- changed everything -- and showed us the beauty in surprises.

And his delivery was no exception <3

Born at 1:12pm on 2/19, 8lbs. 2oz, 20 inches.
- Greyson Paul Shilor -