By Thirty-Five?

Since my last post, I've taken some drugs, had an ultrasound, and just had another consultation today. So, allow me to walk you through it.

My cycle began on Christmas Day (just the gift I wanted.. lol).. so, they ordered me to start my Clomid a few days afterwards; making my expected ovulation date January 6th. To see if the Clomid was working, they ordered an ovarian ultrasound.

First, awkward. They sent me into a small bathroom, instructing me to strip from the waist down.. and wrap myself in what basically, was a large, thin paper towel.. that didn't even wrap all the way around my body. So, there I was. A shirt, my socks, and half a towel.. Trying to hold it as I waddle to table; which is sitting in a very dark room. You know the kind of table. The one with stirrups. Yee-haw!

She proceeds to show me the device she will be inserting. Lovely. "Aren't you at least going to light some candles?," I thought. Should I say it out loud? Nah. This lady doesn't look like she'd enjoy such humor at 8am.

So, there I was, looking at this black and white screen, as she showed me one ovary and then the other. It was a weird and unpleasant sensation.. but pretty cool, actually. She was able to essentially zoom in and out, and measure each follicle. The good news is that I had several follicles. The bad news is that none were the size necessary; and clearly weren't going to mature and release an egg.

And if you didn't recall, this was from the highest dose of Clomid. Which means, it's either stop here.. or move onto something else.

Dr. Henry had previously mentioned wanting me to get a dye xray of my fallopian tubes.. which is a pricey, and often painful, procedure. I feared that would be what he advised next. But given our budget, I was preparing myself to argue and plead to just try a different drug first.

My reasoning was that the xray isn't going to help me ovulate. It's only going to show if there's a blockage keeping the egg from getting to my uterus; or keeping my husband's swimmers from my eggs. Either way.. it's irrelevant if I'm not ovulating to begin with.

I arrived to my follow-up consultation this afternoon. The nurse walked me into an exam room; except in here, the exam table looked like it was from the late 70s, and since I wasn't getting an exam, it was bizarre to sit there.. on the one and only chair in the room. And, I had to wait there for 45 minutes before the doctor came in.

Not going to lie, I almost fell apart. It really isn't fair or nice to leave a woman in a room by herself with nothing to think about but her own fertility problems. I was staring out the window and thinking to myself, "Is it really going to come down to dollars and cents? So many people that have no business being parents, have child after child by accident.. and I may never have one, because I can't afford to even get a chance."

I was getting misty-eyed when I decided instead to start rehearsing, in my head, my argument to try the next drug on the infertility go-tos. It's called Femara, and sometimes works for women that don't respond to Clomid. It's more expensive than Clomid (almost double), but still less than the injectables. I proceeded to talk myself up. Be confident. Take control of your own healthcare. Yeah, screw this guy and his opinion!

He finally knocks on the door, and drags in a stool to sit on. He shakes my hand and awkwardly blurts, "So, yeah.. You didn't ovulate."

I just respond with an even more awkward laugh, and "Nope."

As he browses my file, not even looking at me, he starts describing his plan. "Well, I think we're going to move on to another drug and see if it works. Well, I'd like to get the fallopian xray done, but it doesn't matter if we do it now or wait. I'll leave that up to you. But we'll go ahead and do Femara next."

Whew... No confrontation needed. I just tell him I'd prefer to wait on the dye and xray, to see if Femara will even make me ovulate.

He agrees, and adds, "We'll try Femara for 3 cycles, and on the 3rd one, we'll do the xray."

Ehhhh.. sure. I'll argue about it later if I have to. Or just tell him we're done trying at that point..

He proceeds, "And if this doesn't work, we can try injectables, or just go right to invitro."

Woooooah! Slow down. Invitro? We're just getting to the second drug, and he's throwing out the full 15k procedure? I didn't have the heart to tell him that's never going to happen. It was just too depressing.

"You can decide though. Injectables will probably blow up your ovaries with follicles," he stated.

Blow up? That doesn't sound reassuring.. especially since ovaries literally bursting from overstimulation is one of the possible complications. :-/ But I try to ignore the bad word choice, as he clarifies that he meant the chance for multiples.

He then explains how the Femara will work (which I already knew, from my own research), "It's actually for breast cancer patients. Basically, it'll block your estrogen, so your ovaries will try to overcompensate." And added, "So, you won't get the hot flashes or mood swings with this one."

I couldn't help but think, "No.. I'll just get a beard."

One of his last statements was, "Our goal is to get you pregnant by 35; and I don't foresee a problem doing that." (Wish this came with a guarantee)

Well.. that gives me four years.. Unfortunately, he expects me to have 30-40k in order to try. :-/

I leave with a plan. Though, I'll only be able to stay on it for a few months before I have to call it quits. So please, if you're reading this.. knock on wood and cross your fingers for me. Time and money are both running out.