Words That Sting

I had no idea what to say. It felt like someone just punched me in my ribcage. I could barely breathe, and I wanted to burst into tears. All because somebody, that I didn't know, asked me if I was pregnant.

They had overheard me telling someone that my stomach hurts, and they just blurted out, "Well, are you pregnant?" Is stomach pain really the first symptom? I found it hard to accept that pregnancy was the first thing that came to this person's mind in reference to a stomach-ache. And all I could muster back to her question was, "No." Not a jokey, "Oh heck, no!" or "No" with a chuckle. Just "No." I wondered if she even noticed how seriously in which I answered. It was definitely not how most people answer in casual conversation.

But the truth is, I wanted to go hide. I knew that the stomach pain was probably from the fertility meds.. but I couldn't explain that. Nor would this stranger want such an over-explanation. So, I just sat there.. quiet and hurt.

Sure, it's always unintentional. And usually, it pops up and hits you when you least expect it. But this wasn't the first time that somebody's words have left a sting.

It's always hard when someone asks us, "So, when are YOU guys going to have kids?" Ugh. If they only knew what I meant when I said, "Oh, well we're trying."

Next up, like the first example, are the folks that overhear a few symptoms that are usually from the meds themselves, and ask, "Are you pregnant?" Nope. Thanks for your interest. Here's my tip for people. Never casually ask someone if they're pregnant unless you're 100% sure they aren't and you're joking, and/or you know they aren't trying.

And the last one, that actually gets under my skin the most, is "If it's meant to be, it'll be." Seriously? Somebody is pissing rainbows. I hate this phrase. First, I don't believe in fate; as if everything is pre-determined. I believe you have to make things happen for yourself. Imagine where our world would be if people literally just believed that whatever was supposed to happen, would happen? Nobody would go to a doctor. "If I die, I was meant to." Nobody would go to school. "If I'm meant to have a great job, it'll just happen." Life definitely doesn't work that way. And throwing that phrase at people trying to get pregnant is about as useful as when it's told to people who are going through a rough patch in their relationship. It's not a destiny thing. It's something you work through, or you don't.

Secondly, "If it's meant to be, it'll be." actually implies that if we don't have kids, it wasn't meant to be. As if the universe has decided I just don't deserve to be a mother. Is that really supposed to make me feel better? And the truth is, maybe IVF would get us pregnant, but if I choose not to take it that far.. that means I chose it. Not that we weren't "meant to" have children.

Let me say here, though, that I get it when people are trying to be uplifting and hopeful. Or trying to get me to not worry about it. Just understand that when people are actively trying; seeing doctors and taking meds.. we have no choice but to think about it daily.. if not hourly. And the words you think are helping, just aren't. No matter how well intentioned, they kind of feel like a slap in the face.