I suppose in some ways it is. It is easier to laugh. To smile. To get lost in a tv show. But it's quickly followed by pangs of guilt. Because quite swiftly, my brain begins to question why I'm laughing or smiling. Or the television show will suddenly mention babies, pregnancy, death, or grief... No matter how brief the mention, that's all it takes. That's the moment when it all fades back out; leaving me chest deep in the raw pain I was in the day I lost them.
The only difference is that now I have so many distractions. Some make me feel better. Some make it exponentially worse. Unfortunately, there seems to be a preponderance of the latter.
Stressing about money.. Astronomical medical bills, fertility treatments, dentist bills, a windshield repair, buying a house. Oh, and did I mention we OWE on our taxes this year? Seriously. All while knowing that I won't be able to work full-time during treatments.
My husband and I have gone over this dilemma at every angle. To make this a little less abrupt, he did pick up a second job. Luckily, and surprisingly, it pays nearly the same amount per hour as his full-time job. Though it seems like a lot to deal with, and it is.. this really was the plan all along. He actually had applied to this job before we lost the twins. After all, in less than 3 months, I was planning on delivering twins and staying home with them, and it was going to be on him to make ends meet.
But still, I've felt a lot of guilt about it. I hate putting nearly all of the financial burden on my husband, when all of these bills are essentially mine -- even if it all is for a goal we share. On the other hand, I have to use my body as a lab experiment. He doesn't have to get poked and prodded day after day. I'm not sure which of us will have it worse.
Also of note, I feel like I need to explain this whole scenario since so many people are donating to our cause. I imagine folks asking themselves, "Why are they buying a home if they're so tight on funds?" (Answer: Our house payment will actually be $300 less per month than our current rent.) I want people to know that their generosity is not being taken lightly, and that it weighs heavily on me. I simply worry that people will see me as being 'lazy' or taking the easy way by accepting help from others, while at the same time, reducing my hours at work. So I hope the following explains it.
The reality is that when I start treatments again, I'll have doctor appointments and ultrasounds 3 or 4 times per week and I'll be taking injections daily. Not super conducive in a Monday thru Friday office job. And then, if/when I become pregnant, I'll have stitches in my cervix and likely will be put on bed rest. So one way or another, it became obvious that me working full-time just wasn't going to pan out. And this is all just logistics. It speaks nothing to the emotional toll that I pay daily at my current job.
All day, every day.. I deal with criminals and drug addicts who are all too eager to talk about how "Yeah.. I'm pregnant again. I'm hoping to keep this one," or "My woman is pregnant. I'm excited. I mean, I have a 13 month old, but this time it's with my fiancé.."
It's one thing to 'know' that these people are having children. It's another to watch it every day while you are struggling to conceive.
There were so many times I wanted to quit when we were going through treatments. Every time another person brought in their child to witness them taking a drug screen as if it were a normal errand, or said, "Just found out I'm pregnant. Grr. That wasn't supposed to happen again so quickly," I felt a deep fury of anger and sadness. But then, finally, I got pregnant, and nothing they said or did could bother me at that level anymore.
As I said, it was hard to manage when we were just trying. Now that I've held my two children and watched them slip away from me, I just can't anymore. I can't pretend that it doesn't gut me each and every time.. That more often than not I feel a cloud of depression following me home from work each day. Something had to give.
So, I've decided to drastically cut my hours and hire a replacement. Once I have my replacement trained, I'll mostly only be working weekends. I'm hopeful that reducing my contact with such individuals will allow me to be in a better headspace to conceive and carry another child, as well as allow me to cope with our loss in a more healthy way.
As much as I'd love to just walk away completely, financially I think it's wise to gradually adapt and see how we do. With so many variables swirling around, there is balancing to be done between financial responsibility and doing what is right for my emotional wellbeing.
I also need to thank my husband, who works long hours at two jobs to make this possible. He doesn't know how often I think of him with overwhelming gratitude and love. This has been, and will be, a stressful and uncharted journey for both of us.. just in very different ways. At first, he took on this challenge to take care of Bodhi and Jasper. Now, we can only hope it's to eventually take care of another son or daughter.
If you'd like to help us get a second chance, please visit GoFundMe.com/ShilorFund
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