So, You Wanted Cake Pops For Your 8th Birthday?

I usually write these "birthday" blogs on the actual day. But I decided to just *be* yesterday.
To spend every minute I could with your little brothers -- celebrating you.

But I think it goes without saying that yesterday -- what would have been your 8th birthday -- was painful and beautiful.

Unfortunately, just like last year, many of our 'traditions' are still impossible/unsafe, but we did the best we could.

We still visited the hospital. And we still read Goodnight Moon. It was just outside in the cold...

And we went to buy your birthday cupcakes, and P got to go in with Dad this time.

But then the strangest thing happened.

P needed to go potty on the way home. So, we stopped at a Starbucks.
I tell your dad to go ahead and get me a matcha, but to use my rewards points. As always, P planned to get water too.
A few minutes later, P is at my window handing me my "green drink" .. but then he holds up a bag.
I'm immediately confused and curious -- what did they buy?

And then I hear your Dad say.. "The lady gave us two cake pops." 

He said it as if he was bewildered himself.
So, I wait for them to get situated in the car.

"What do you mean she gave you two cake pops?"
He replied, "When we were grabbing our drinks, the barista quickly handed the bag to P and said, "Here's two cake pops for you and your dad." I thought she said "K cups" at first and was even more confused, then I looked in the bag."
Me, still trying to process, "So you didn't buy them?"
"No. She just gave them to P out of nowhere," he said.

I glance in the bag. Two cake pops with pink frosting and white sprinkles.
And I'm starting to get emotional -- my eyes starting to blur and that anxious feeling in my stomach that feels somewhere between pain and butterflies.

Come on, Carol. You don't even believe in "signs." It's just a coincidence.

But it keeps tugging at me.

I just keep looking at them. 

I knew Starbucks had cake pops. I'd notice them on occasion in the display case. But I never looked at the flavors or paid them much attention.
I then say to Brad, "I'm 99% sure they aren't vegan, unfortunately."
But that 1% leads me to opening my phone to find them on the Starbucks website.

And there it is staring back at me. "Starbucks Birthday Cake Pop."
They gave P the "Birthday Cake" flavor.

So, I don't know.. little ones. What are the odds that on your birthday, we *happen* to stop at Starbucks, and your brother *happens* to need to go inside, and the barista *happens* to give us free food (I've never, ever had that happen before), and she *happens* to give us *two* cake pops, and they *happen* to be the Birthday Cake flavor?
What. Are. The. Odds?

I don't know. But I know you've always been good at beating them -- my babies that survived just to meet us.

But as I would have told you if you were still here, "We already got cupcakes, so we'll share these with someone else."

So there you go, spreading love for your birthday again.

We love you. We miss you.
Happy Birthday, Jasper & Bodhi 

A Terrible Friend

Yes, I've been a terrible friend this year. The reasons for that might be obvious to some, but I still feel like I should apologize for it.

I haven't been able to set-up a dinner date with a girlfriend, or feel excited about bridesmaid duties. Hell, I haven't even been texting my friends to check in. I've also avoided nearly every family gathering. Mostly because I still feel too emotionally crippled to take on being social or helpful. And I do feel bad for it.

So, to every friend that has texting me and gotten no response, or a very short one, I appreciate the attempt. To friends that are relying on me to share events in your life, from weddings to pregnancies, I'm trying. Please be gentle, and know that I'm excited for you even if I can't seem to show it.

You see, within the next week or two, we were told to expect the twins' arrival. Their due date was June 21st, but twins usually come a few weeks early. In fact, I had befriended a woman who had the exact same due date as I did, and she was also pregnant with twins. Her two girls were born on May 13th, and are doing well. I can't even type that without feeling pangs of jealousy and sadness -- despite my happiness for her.

So, as you might imagine, this month will be especially hard. It's not uncommon for me to break down the instant I'm alone somewhere.. whether it's the shower, driving to work, or laying in bed the instant that my husband leaves for work. Knowing that they would have been home with me now is heart-crushing in a way I haven't felt for a few months.

And soon, we will be starting treatments, leaving more secluded.. due to nausea, fatigue, and general discomfort.

So, I'm asking you all to stick it out. Sooner or later, I'll return (at least mostly) to the friend you knew.