By Thirty-Five?

Since my last post, I've taken some drugs, had an ultrasound, and just had another consultation today. So, allow me to walk you through it.

My cycle began on Christmas Day (just the gift I wanted.. lol).. so, they ordered me to start my Clomid a few days afterwards; making my expected ovulation date January 6th. To see if the Clomid was working, they ordered an ovarian ultrasound.

First, awkward. They sent me into a small bathroom, instructing me to strip from the waist down.. and wrap myself in what basically, was a large, thin paper towel.. that didn't even wrap all the way around my body. So, there I was. A shirt, my socks, and half a towel.. Trying to hold it as I waddle to table; which is sitting in a very dark room. You know the kind of table. The one with stirrups. Yee-haw!

She proceeds to show me the device she will be inserting. Lovely. "Aren't you at least going to light some candles?," I thought. Should I say it out loud? Nah. This lady doesn't look like she'd enjoy such humor at 8am.

So, there I was, looking at this black and white screen, as she showed me one ovary and then the other. It was a weird and unpleasant sensation.. but pretty cool, actually. She was able to essentially zoom in and out, and measure each follicle. The good news is that I had several follicles. The bad news is that none were the size necessary; and clearly weren't going to mature and release an egg.

And if you didn't recall, this was from the highest dose of Clomid. Which means, it's either stop here.. or move onto something else.

Dr. Henry had previously mentioned wanting me to get a dye xray of my fallopian tubes.. which is a pricey, and often painful, procedure. I feared that would be what he advised next. But given our budget, I was preparing myself to argue and plead to just try a different drug first.

My reasoning was that the xray isn't going to help me ovulate. It's only going to show if there's a blockage keeping the egg from getting to my uterus; or keeping my husband's swimmers from my eggs. Either way.. it's irrelevant if I'm not ovulating to begin with.

I arrived to my follow-up consultation this afternoon. The nurse walked me into an exam room; except in here, the exam table looked like it was from the late 70s, and since I wasn't getting an exam, it was bizarre to sit there.. on the one and only chair in the room. And, I had to wait there for 45 minutes before the doctor came in.

Not going to lie, I almost fell apart. It really isn't fair or nice to leave a woman in a room by herself with nothing to think about but her own fertility problems. I was staring out the window and thinking to myself, "Is it really going to come down to dollars and cents? So many people that have no business being parents, have child after child by accident.. and I may never have one, because I can't afford to even get a chance."

I was getting misty-eyed when I decided instead to start rehearsing, in my head, my argument to try the next drug on the infertility go-tos. It's called Femara, and sometimes works for women that don't respond to Clomid. It's more expensive than Clomid (almost double), but still less than the injectables. I proceeded to talk myself up. Be confident. Take control of your own healthcare. Yeah, screw this guy and his opinion!

He finally knocks on the door, and drags in a stool to sit on. He shakes my hand and awkwardly blurts, "So, yeah.. You didn't ovulate."

I just respond with an even more awkward laugh, and "Nope."

As he browses my file, not even looking at me, he starts describing his plan. "Well, I think we're going to move on to another drug and see if it works. Well, I'd like to get the fallopian xray done, but it doesn't matter if we do it now or wait. I'll leave that up to you. But we'll go ahead and do Femara next."

Whew... No confrontation needed. I just tell him I'd prefer to wait on the dye and xray, to see if Femara will even make me ovulate.

He agrees, and adds, "We'll try Femara for 3 cycles, and on the 3rd one, we'll do the xray."

Ehhhh.. sure. I'll argue about it later if I have to. Or just tell him we're done trying at that point..

He proceeds, "And if this doesn't work, we can try injectables, or just go right to invitro."

Woooooah! Slow down. Invitro? We're just getting to the second drug, and he's throwing out the full 15k procedure? I didn't have the heart to tell him that's never going to happen. It was just too depressing.

"You can decide though. Injectables will probably blow up your ovaries with follicles," he stated.

Blow up? That doesn't sound reassuring.. especially since ovaries literally bursting from overstimulation is one of the possible complications. :-/ But I try to ignore the bad word choice, as he clarifies that he meant the chance for multiples.

He then explains how the Femara will work (which I already knew, from my own research), "It's actually for breast cancer patients. Basically, it'll block your estrogen, so your ovaries will try to overcompensate." And added, "So, you won't get the hot flashes or mood swings with this one."

I couldn't help but think, "No.. I'll just get a beard."

One of his last statements was, "Our goal is to get you pregnant by 35; and I don't foresee a problem doing that." (Wish this came with a guarantee)

Well.. that gives me four years.. Unfortunately, he expects me to have 30-40k in order to try. :-/

I leave with a plan. Though, I'll only be able to stay on it for a few months before I have to call it quits. So please, if you're reading this.. knock on wood and cross your fingers for me. Time and money are both running out.

Next Step: The Specialist

I just got off the phone with my, now, specialist's office. Per my OB/GYN's referral (I had a whopping two doctors to choose from), I picked this doctor because he occasionally comes to Lafayette. My thinking was that IF we decide to move forward with a more complicated procedure/plan, we wouldn't have to be driving back and forth to Indianapolis all the time.

So, my new Reproductive Endocrinologist is (drum roll, please) Dr. Henry of Reproductive Care of Indiana.

Hey, he seems to have a nice smile. lol And the website really lures you in with all those babies :-P

My appointment is in the second week of December. I apparently have about 20 forms to fill out before my appointment; most of which are blatantly reminding me that everything is out-of-pocket. The consultation with this guy alone is $200. Doesn't sound like a lot.. but ouch.

But we figured it was in our best interest, for mental well-being alone, to meet with him and find out our options.. even if we choose not to, or can't afford to, pursue them.

How Do You Like Your Eggs? (My Original Coming Out Blog)

The following was my "coming out" blog/note on Facebook. I posted this just a few short weeks ago. Prior to this, nobody but my husband knew about my PCOS/fertility issues. How did you let people know? Or have you?

"Sooooo.. I'd been debating on whether or not to share any of this or not.. for a long time. But since I recently posted a status about getting a surrogate mother; that I intended to be a joke about how I REALLY don't want to give birth, I got a lot of comments and questions; both on the status, and in private messages. It sort of dawned on me how very many people deal with fertility issues; and I'm not really too much a private person. If someone asks me a question, I give an honest answer. Sex. Religion. Addiction. Depression. I can talk about any of it at length. But this ONE thing, I always kept to myself. But why?

I suppose it made me feel "broken" in some way. Clearly, being able to prolong our species should be the easiest, most natural of all functions we serve. Something you can do without ever thinking about it. So, when that doesn't work... you feel a little broken. You know, like that piece of candy that gets blown off the assembly line cause one nut is out of place. Well, I'm still just as tasty as the other pieces :-P So, maybe I have a nut in the wrong place, and my creamy center isn't the right color. Who cares?

Well, I care... obviously.. My husband probably cares.. But, he doesn't love me any less for it. And so, I've decided it's not worth keeping to ourselves anymore. Though, in honesty, a couple people did know.. Many moons ago, Brad told one of his relatives and a coworker (a coworker that I despised with every fiber of my being; mind you). I was devastated for awhile. So very, very hurt. I hadn't told my relatives or dearest friends. It certainly wasn't his information to share. Truth is, it still bothers me a great a deal... But I realize that he was naively unaware of how big a deal it was to me at the time. I think, to him, it was like telling someone I had a cold. But I think he "got it" when I said, "How would you feel if I told someone.. someone you didn't like, especially.. that your sperm count was low?" I think it then resonated how personal that would feel. (btw, it's not.. or as far as we know, it's not.. lol)

But through all this, I realized why I didn't want people to know. I didn't want people to treat me differently; being careful to never ask 'hopefully' or 'jokingly' if I was pregnant. Or looking for symptoms of my 'disorder.' I didn't want people to be afraid to invite me to baby showers. I just didn't want to be treated like the broken piece of candy.

So, for that reason, I won't be posting the particular problem that I have. (Two uteruses? A lazy ovary? Was I born a male? I'll never tell :-P) I will say that it's not necessarily dooming. Plenty of women get pregnant with this issue.. but it IS harder. And unfortunately, there is no good treatment for it. Really just trial and error. There are medications I can try. Fertility drugs and such. Problem is, this condition also makes it more likely that I will miscarry if I happen to get pregnant. Obviously, that's scary.. and something to think about.

Now, to those of you who grew up with me, this might be sort of a surprise that I'm even talking about WANTING to get pregnant. I was notoriously known for saying that me having kids was a one-shot deal. I'll agree to get pregnant ONCE; if my husband REALLY wants kids. Otherwise, I'm fine with none.

Well, there's quite a mix of history here. First, ever since I was 11 years old, I knew there was something wrong.. and that having children would be difficult; if not impossible. So, I think it's feasible that I just convinced myself I didn't want children. It was easier than battling with it and thinking about, or admitting, how I "couldn't."

But a few things have changed. First, meeting Brad. He was the first person I could even imagine having children with. And secondly, my niece and nephew. The way they light up a room.. at least for me.. It's sort of mesmerizing.

However, with all that said, a part of me is still unsure if I do want children. Maybe I just think I do.. Or maybe I just believe that's 'what comes next' in life. Cause here's the downside of all this. You have to think about it. Really THINK about it. You have no choice but to weigh the pros and cons. When you have to try so hard to make something happen, you inevitably ask yourself if it's worth it.. or the right thing to do.

I've had about a bajillion thoughts on it.

The world is over-populated. It's an environmental burden. We don't own a home yet. Would I be a good mother anyway? Would I rather just save money? Who's gonna make sure I'm in a good nursing home later? Is it too late? Is it worth taking fertility drugs that could harm me? Could we adopt? Would I even WANT to adopt? College is gonna cost a lot in 20 years. I really do NOT want to give birth. I could teach a child so many things. What would our kids look like? I don't want to be working overnights when I have children. Can I deal with miscarriages if we really try? I obviously can't get pregnant if I never see my husband, but I can't afford to have a baby if I quit my job. This all stresses me out. The stress doesn't help fertility. (and so on, and so on, and so on)

These are things you don't really have to think about when it just 'happens' .. by accident, or minimal planning. Then, you just take it as it is, and go day by day. But day by day isn't an option, when each day is another decision, another stressor, another medication, or another doctor's appointment.

So, I struggle with all this.. almost on a daily basis. But, in fairness, we've only been 'trying' since our wedding. Not long at all in the scope of things. However, with our schedules; we're unlikely to conceive due to logistics and timing. And, obviously, neither of us are spring chickens anymore. IF we want to do this, we need to actively get on board. Which means fertility drugs and probably a change of job for me. It's all very disheartening at times.

One might ask, at this point, "If you're trying to have kids, why did you JUST buy a Mustang?" Fair question. It doesn't exactly scream 'parent-to-be,' I know. But that's sort of the point. I didn't buy a 'kid-friendly' vehicle, because if things don't pan out.. I don't want a constant reminder of things that never happened for us. I figured if we got pregnant, we could always trade in. But I didn't want a vehicle with lots of seating, always feeling 'less than' for being unable to fill it. :-\

Before this all sounds too 'woe is me' .. let me say this: While I am, hopeful.. and wanting to have a child.. I DO think I'd be fine with never having children. Of course, I'd wonder 'what if' a lot. Or regret it when nobody is buying my groceries when I'm 70. ;-) But, I'd really be okay. I've never felt an ounce of bitterness about someone else's pregnancy.

So right now, we're trying to figure it all out. What we want. What we CAN do. And how to make any of it happen. I greatly appreciate all the support I've received already. But please.. don't treat me like the broken or mis-molded piece of candy. Eat me, as you normally would :-P I really am okay; at least most days.

And if putting this out there, for everyone to read, lets just one person know that they aren't struggling with this alone.. well, then.. it's served its purpose."